It's OK to be OK With Being Single

Talking with one of my single ‘buddies’ they said, “What do you mean, you’re done?  Are you never dating again?”

I had just quoted the ending of a recent "resignation from dating" blog (I think I am giving up for a while) when I say, “...I am not closing myself off to a potential relationship, but I think I am done. Yeah, I said it. That's it; I'm done.”

Well no, I explain, it’s not that I am NEVER dating again. I have simply resolved that I am not living my life with this sense of something missing, some unfinished business that I keep thinking I have to get back to, this item on the back burner that never has been successful; and so I am going to rid myself of feeling like I have to be pursuing the next possible relationship all the time and finally going to live my life content for who I am and content with being single.

It is liberating, (Thanks Ms Single Mama, for the comment) and I don’t have to go around with this hanging sense that there is one more thing I have to do. It’s ok to be single and its ok to be ok with it! So with all due respect, quit trying to make all of us 'singles' feel like we are the foreigners or the aliens in a couple driven world… ok?

The Falls of Alta Mons

 

My new take on being single? Well here's a little enlightenment, it's not so bad!

This past weekend I enjoyed a brief 'getaway' with my kids and my sister and her family. We ended up camping in their popup at Camp Alta Mons.... a beautiful campsite run by a Methodist church organization near Shawsville.

The weather wasn't bad, a couple thunderstorms, but they didn't spoil our fun. We roasted marshmallows and hot dogs over the fire; enjoyed grand feasts of meatballs and pork chops  and even eggs, ham, biscuits and gravy for breakfast! Besides all the good food (Thanks, Fran!) we enjoyed time together as a family, my kids and my sister's girls looked for "critters" in the creek bed and the adults just enjoyed the peace and quiet, non-agenda, unrushed moments of the weekend.

The hike on Sunday morning was interesting and tiring. I hadn't taken a two hour hike in a while and I could tell. Once we made it up the side of the mountain and reached the falls though, it was so worth it. But you know what was even more worth it? I didn't want to climb the rest of the rocks to reach the actual falls once we got that far.... I could see it, take a picture, so that was enough for me. The kids, my sister and her husband all moved on up the rocks and made their way to sit right at the foot of the falls itself. Well of course, they continued to "encourage" me to come on the rest of the way; and sincerely and tiredly I was content with how far I had made it... so I wasn't going any further. Then my brother-in-law said, Come on, Jason and I will help you. (Jason is my son) Jason then continued the banter, Come on mom... come on... as he came back down the rocks to take my hand, "I came passed bees for you, mom, you have to come." You know, that statement may not bring tears to your eyes, or move you in any way as you read this; but that statement from my thirteen year old son meant the world to me. He hates bees :) so I knew that he truly wanted me to join him. 

Sometimes I doubt the relationship, the bond my son and I have... I don't give it the credit that it's due. I let myself "worry" that I am losing my baby boy that wouldn't let me go each morning in the cafeteria of his kindergarten because he had to have.... "one more kiss mommy, just one more kiss." Those days are gone with this thirteen year old changing every day; he is already taller than me! He is becoming his own person, and my influence, I can only pray, has taken root and somehow been a good one over the years.

And guess what? I did join him. I took his hand and let him and my brother-in-law help me the rest of the way up the rocks where I took these shots. 

Thanks Jason, for braving the "bees" to help me up the rocks, a little bit farther into your world that day, to see it from where you stood, to take a chance and risk the slip on the rocks, just to be a little closer to you. It was what I needed to hear, for what I needed to do for that moment. And sure I will never forget the falls; but I will also never forget the sound of my son's words and the sincere thrill of taking  that chance.

Such is life, we don't forget the 'falls' - they happen to all of us... but nothing can replace the thrill of taking that chance.... at something new...... in the life of being single.

May 1, 2008 - How Did I Get Here?

Below is an excerpt from a private blog/journal I wrote late one night just prior to my recent decision to take a break from dating. Here I take a late night inventory of my past relationships - my recent past, I should say, of people still within my "circle of friends," my "circle of singleness." I thought I would share a portion of it here as a part of my public blog about my recent search as well as the qualities that are and always will be important to me. However, with posting this "past" blog it doesn't change my current status of working on "me" and making the most of my time with my children as well as my established "singlehood" - keeping it happy and making a difference in my world - single.....

May 1, 2008:

Now, how did I get here? A mom of two, and single. Do I date? Yes but I have guy "friends" and that's all they want to be - friends. No pending relationships on the horizon.....

Anonymous A - great friend for 8 years+ ……..

Anonymous B - friend for couple years now, but never a romantic subject,

Anonymous C - friend for just a few short months now. We are on the same page with a lot of things; but he is not sure he wants to be a "step-dad" and he likes being single. Same thing I have heard many times....

Anonymous D - 2007 boyfriend, now just friends after realizing we were fooling ourselves to think a long (4 hour) distance relationship could work, since I am not moving there and him not able to get "diving" work here....

New guys - that may want to date: ....maybe....

There are others but nothing even worth mentioning. Seriously, what am I doing here?

I like my network, if you want to call it that of "friends" that don't mind helping me out when they can.... but wouldn't it be easier to have one full time relationship to work on? Perhaps not, with everyone so wishy washy these days about what they want.

What do they want? I think they want their cake and to eat it too, for the most part. They want their independent singleness, and yet the financial assistance of a partner to help with the bills; they want their fun days out with the guys but their girlfriend to stay at home and be available when its convenient for them again (not that having time apart is a bad thing, but it shouldn't be based on the convenience of only one partner).... they want the nursemaid when they are sick and want you to understand if they only provide a simple phone call when you are sick and under the weather. No more dedication; passion; focus; attention; pursuit; no more growing and evolving into something beautiful; no more wanting to see it work, make it work with a gentile and kind heart and determination; no nurturing that flower that is visible in the future that will grow from the stub of a stem that has peaked its way through the ground as "possibility and promise"(ok, I was a little dramatic here, but it was after midnight). No realization that we must "own" our baggage and be willing to accept the other's baggage as part of this journey at this stage of life;

Qualities that I cannot compromise:

1. must love my children
2. Christian
3. no drugs or illegal activity
4. non-smoker
5. waiting for the intimate act for future life partner (even if past mistakes)
6. intelligent
7. financially stable
8. emotionally stable
9. strong communicator

Who meets these?

And

Where do I go from here?

Well I go to work - take care of my kids; paint and work on my projects in my spare time; ask for help when I need it and hope for volunteers; and continue on my journey - me and Jesus at this time. He is my relationship I am working on and I do have a ways to go with that one - it needs some help so that is my agenda and He will tell me when I need to alter it or add something more important into that mix.

Thank you Jesus for being real in my life and for being a foundation that I received from all that my Mom and Gramma poured into me. I miss them desperately and want to live my life as a tribute to their legacy and always make them proud - even in their absence.

I Think I'm Giving Up For a While....

Ok. Ok, "Someday you will meet someone..."; "There are lots of people out there;" "Why don't you go to singles ministry groups at various churches in your area?"  These are all nice statements and good advice.  But seriously, I think I just need to give up for awhile and get back to being comfortable doing things by myself as an adult and become happy with being single again.  I have been there before (happy with being single and just being me) and it hasn't been that long ago.... but I once again let myself get wrapped up in the "wouldn't it be nice" syndrome which leads to wishing my life and sanity away for the sake of a relationship.   

Even I tell people, ..."work on your current relationships that are not considered romantic as a way to prepare for your future relationship with the special someone."  "Make amends with family members or friendships that you have let pass by the wayside."  And I have followed my own advice; I promise these are not empty words I am sharing with you friends that are presently in the same boat. Yet still I search and wander; looking for that possible 'right guy' that will walk into my life and be sent from God.  I will know when I meet him, right? Or will I know after getting to know him for years and years and then have this epiphany enlighten him and me like a glow from heaven?  I don't know; I give up pretending to know; and I am going to quit trying to figure it out.  I have dated, I have tried, I have done it all....I am not closing myself off to a potential relationship, but I think I am done. Yeah, I said it. That's it; I'm done.

Its not All about Us...

I was amazed by these photos forwarded that were taken on the last space station mission.  http://www.texasjim.com/NASApix/NASA%20pix.htm 

It helps put the "big picture" into perspective.  I am but a speck on this land mass down here called earth; and I am blessed beyond my own comprehension and yet tend to "complain" at times about "life." 

Hello, My name is Kathy. I am a complainer. 

This is a line my friend Brooks and I tease about because we are going to start a group for Complainers Anonymous. :)  But truly we should be grateful for the beauty of life all around us and those whom we love - embracing not only them, but every moment in their presence as well.  Life is fleeting.  Trust me, I know.

Dating, Friends, and Saturday nights....

Well I would love to vent about dating here.... the last three weekends, a Saturday night date for dinner, with three different guys, (one each weekend).... just friends.  But I don't know where to start.  I am still processing all this myself.  I have tried the online services, blind dates of friends of a family member, etc and so forth.  I have my opinion on all of this "fixing up" and I want to keep an open un-jaded mind here. But is it even possible?  Not to become jaded I mean?