Move a Little Closer, Don’t be Shy!

All of the coolest available guys I’ve ever met live outside a sixty-mile radius.

 

 

What is it about meeting someone nearby? I am not the only one that has had this revelation. And it works the same for men searching for a compatible partner as well. I know because many great guys that I have met outside of the “geographically acceptable zone” are still in touch with me years after we have met… and they are still waiting to meet someone of interest that will not at the very least require a move on their part.

So here we sit, night after night, weekend after weekend, in our own little busy communities. We earnestly make every attempt to meet available singles, close to our own ages that can understand to some degree the world of single parenting. For others it’s true even when they are not single parents, just settled adults, hoping for a healthy mature relationship. There are some stories of success, where it finally happens, right?

I have tried the online dating and I have met friends of relatives trying to fix me up. For some, I know I am starting to sound like a broken record, but I think this is one point worth elaborating. Why does it have to be so difficult to meet a cool guy, someone you find an interest in, whether online or shopping for produce and have them say…”I do live around here.” Is it too much to ask?

Lets investigate this theory just a little more. Modern Single Mama’s blog elaborates on this theory with her own definition of the G.U.’s. Is it that geographically unavailable men are by nature more attractive? Would we be attracted to them if they were given notice at work that they had to move to your area because of a job change?

For me I have to say yes, at least for the ones I think of when I write this, I would still be attracted to them. Often I have been left hoping they could get a job change. But you see with the luck I have, I meet single guys who are professional divers or marine biologists (just to name two) and they have no choice but to work on the coast 4 to 5 hours away from me. These are true examples by the way. Then there are those examples of single dads that I have met, with obvious reasons why they can’t move.

So in this high-tech, virtual reality world we live in, what is our alternative to meeting geographically attractive men? Where are the single G.A.s?

I have been approached in retail stores before, but these guys weird me out. I try to keep an open mind but the whole time they are trying to strike up a conversation I am wondering what their virtual profile would say (as if that online profile is a sworn document or something). So am I the problem? Am I a product of the online dating abyss: the world where men and women alike think that there are so many choices, and that you are always one mouse-click away from “Mr. Right”. I hope I have learned from my experiences in this realm enough to know this is a fallacy and that online dating can become more of an addiction to the search than a means to an end.

So now comes the attempt to answer the very question, “Where are they?” No real answer yet; but I will keep you posted as I search the region and look for avenues for us single parents; or just plain singles in our thirties.

One organization found so far is Parents Without Partners. They meet one night a month for the Blue Ridge region. My plan is to go to their next meeting. What can it hurt?

What do you think?

1. Are singles more attracted to geographically unavailable men?

2. Do we tend to shy away from those who live nearby because of their potential for a serious relationship down the road?

3. Do you wonder what a person’s profile might say when you meet someone new in person?

4. Do you know of other organizations nation-wide that have area chapters for bringing singles together?

BATMAN, What a RUSH!

• cru·ci·ble:  A severe test, as of patience or belief; a trial. See Synonyms at trial. 2. A place, time, or situation characterized by the confluence of powerful intellectual, social, economic, or political forces.

 

I would like to believe that we can pick and choose what affects us because we can choose our reaction and take back that power, but I think we need to realize some things are out of our control. Some results or ramifications are the end product in our lives that are beyond our grip.

This occurred to me when I reflected on my incident at the movies Wednesday night. I wish I could blame it on “one” thing: what I had for dinner, the major dramatic intensity of the movie, or a recent phone call from “him”. But I don’t get that pleasure. This was a combination of events leading up to the point where I found myself sitting near the top row in the middle seats of the very movie I had been whining about getting to see for a week! And in retrospect I wish it was just a combination of the minutes or even hours leading up to the 7:30 show that led to the rush of anxiety; but indeed, I think it goes deeper than that.

Everyone knows I had a justifiable legitimate reason for leaving my ex-husband. There is no question. But I think I forget or try to ignore those crucible moments in my own history that put me at that point of finally saying, “No more” and walking out in 2003. Those moments spread out over the last few years of a failing marriage defined a part of who I am today; but I would rather not admit it. Now, those same moments made me stronger, yes. So, I should embrace my history and assist others walking through those same steps today; encouraging them that with a few bumps along the way, you can still make it and be ok. Ok? But what is the definition of ok?

For you see, I wasn’t ‘ok’ sitting in the theater Wednesday night with Jason and one of his friends as the movie trailed on in all its glory, intensity, and drama pouring from the screen and sensitizing my ears, enveloping me or more like engulfing me into the scene right there with them. It was horrid evil that expelled from Heath Ledger as he “nailed” the Joker character. It was amazing emotional lure from Christian Bale as he led all to love him as Batman and honor his vigilante heroic being. When I say I wasn’t ok, I just didn’t feel good, I didn’t feel right.

Before the film, I stopped and ate with my son and his friend at a nearby restaurant, and by the time we were at the theater I started feeling like the food didn’t agree with me. Thinking I might even get sick,I began devising a plan. If I got ill, I would quickly escape the theater and head toward the bathroom. I had a drink, so I had even decided, if need be, I would use the cup; but oh I didn’t want to have that happen, how embarrassing! So I said a quick prayer under my breath, and sat through the previews and off we went.

The movie was excellent; let me at least tell you that. And I will want to see it again. But it was truly intense. And as the movie continued, the more my psyche got the best of me. Then I got more involved in the movie, with my heart racing and my stomach aching, I started feeling numbness creep up my arms and my legs. I switched legs, then uncrossed them, thinking it would help. No it had already begun and there was no stopping it now, I was having an anxiety attack.

I have had them before, so I knew it was just a matter of getting through it; but then I started to feel light-headed and worried I might pass out and leave my thirteen year old, Jason and his friend there not knowing what to do or how to react. The more I worried about them the more intense the feeling came over me. I spoke to Jason in a whisper. “Just talk to mommy for a minute, I don’t feel good.” “What’s wrong?” he said. “I can’t explain it; just say a prayer for me.” “Do you need to leave?” “I will be ok.” I pulled out my cell phone. I hated to do it… many times people around me opening the face of their phone and lighting up our section of the theater has annoyed me and here I was doing it. I sent a text to a friend. Then I called her. “I am at the theater and I am not feeling well,” I whispered. “Do you need someone?” she said trying to help, even though she was on vacation at the beach and couldn’t come if she wanted to. “I will call you back if I need someone,” I said and hung up. My heart was in my throat; I called Pat. “Pat, I need you.” I heard myself and knew I sounded like a little girl, at the very worst like a damsel in distress needing to be rescued…. I so much didn’t want to be this! “Ok” he said, “Where are you?” “Valley View Grande Theater” “By yourself?” “No, I have Jason and his buddy  with me.” “I’m on my way,” he said. Good ole Pat.

My body continued to feel like it was going into limp mode and my face started to get tingly. If you have ever experienced an anxiety attack, you will know what I am talking about. I think the numbness and the tingling is why it makes some think they are having a heart attack. The movie credits were rolling when I got off the phone. I had made it! Now I wasn’t sure I could stand up. After a few minutes, I made my way through the aisle and down the steps clinging slightly to the wall and railing, shaking from feeling weak.

Outside in the fresh air, immediately I started feeling better. The feeling was coming back in my arms and legs and I knew I was going to be ok. Well Pat and Jan showed up and by the time they got there I was just fine, but still asked if one of them would drive my vehicle to get the three of us home, just in case. They were very helpful; made sure I was ok, got us all home safe, and that was that.

Well I don’t think the movie would affect just anyone the way it affected me. As I was sharing, I think some of my own life experiences, my very own crucibles, attribute to the way I now perceive and relate to evil being exhibited on the big screen. In addition, I let myself get worked up about possibly getting sick. However, in case you are worried I might be a candidate for posttraumatic stress disorder, I looked it up and verified that due to the infrequency of these “incidents,” I am not. Just in this case – my body reacted, out of my control, requiring me to swallow some pride and reach out for help.

But now when I tell people, ‘I saw Batman; and WHAT A RUSH!’ if you read my blog, you will know, “She’s not kidding!”

Do we ignore the crucible experiences of our past? Should we or can we pretend some of the ugly things that have happened in our lives never existed? Are we indeed a product of the combination of ugliness we have endured and beauty that we have embraced over the years?

In short I have to say: no, no, and yes.  Please share your thoughts and comments.

Single and Loving It – Too Much?

 

I have always heard the following advice.

• When you stop looking, you will finally meet Mr. Right.
• You have to become a complete person, and then you are ready for a healthy relationship. (Instead of expecting another person to complete you.)
• Be content with where you are in life; be happy.

Now if you have been keeping up with my blog, you remember “It’s Ok to be Ok with Being Single.”  And I am not back stepping from that stand with this entry; because it is ok to be ok with it. However, I want us to consider the possibility: Can we become too happy with being single? Are we minimizing the value of happily married couples and families with two “parents” acting as role models in our society? There seems to be a fine line there that needs consideration.

Once I established that I was taking a break from dating “for a while,”  I began to explore the benefits of this decision. I can spend my weekends with the kids away, any way I want to. I can watch whatever I want to watch on TV. I can pick out the movies I see. I can decide where to go eat. I can go to the store when I want, where I want, and for how long I want…. and no one is bugging me that it’s time to leave. I can have it all my way; and not feel a bit guilty about it!

Did you notice something reoccurring in that last paragraph? The pronoun, 'I' is repeated 15 times in that one paragraph! Fifteen times!

So after enjoying this for a few weekends when the kids were away with their dad it also dawned on me, that marriage was created for a reason, had I forgotten? So with this epiphany, it came to my realization, that yes we want to become content with our position in life at this moment. This is my reality in which I can be happy; but I also do not want to undermine the notion that someday to be married again would also be a good thing.

With that thought, I ask the question, what do I miss about being a married couple? Here are a few things I came up with. (Do you have a list? Please comment and let me know, what do you miss about being a married couple?)

• Snuggling at the end of a long day, recapping your stress points even if they don’t make a bit of sense to the other party.
• Early mornings waking up while the kids are still asleep and sharing pillow talk or (you can fill in the blank here ;)
• Spur of the moment family picnics, where both parent and stepparent assist with preparation.
• Having your spouse tuck you in and take care of you when you are sick.
• Getting a phone call – just to check in during the middle of your day.
• Having to check in with someone when traveling and you reach your destination; to let them know you are safe.
• The soft feel of a hand on your back or arm on your shoulder, to let you know the other is near.
• Love notes left in obscure places
• Inspiring adult conversations
• Sharing the passion on your heart, your present goals and how you plan to reach them, while receiving positive feedback and encouragement.

Ok so my list sounds like it comes from an ancient episode of Leave It To Beaver, but I think you get the point. Not everything we left behind in our marriages was unhappiness and bleak despair. There are positive traits that CAN be a part of marriage; when it is a healthy relationship and both parties are working toward it being a true success.

So what is my point? Well I think I have three points.

• One: Be happy, content and positive in your outlook in your current position in life, even if that means embracing being single. Live life to the fullest, and make a difference in “your world” being proactive with your dreams and goals in the present instead of waiting for the perfect “man or woman” to come along.

• Two: Don’t give up on the positive contribution that marriage can have in your life. When the opportunities present themselves with dating, be open-minded. “The perfect guy or perfect girl” may not have the look or packaging you had imagined. Do not get so wrapped up in yourself that you acquire the mindset that you have no need for a significant other in your life anymore. There are good points about marriage and things to be desired from being a couple again, someday.

• Three: A healthy balance between these two perspectives is where we need to be which requires constant self-evaluation. (Either one or two by itself can become an extreme.) Even when you are in a relationship…. keep yourself in check. Appreciate “where YOU are” in life. You show appreciation by doing for others; and that is what “loving others” is all about. Remember it’s not ALL about us…

What do you think?  Can we enjoy being single too much?  I would love your feedback.

My Baby as a Butterfly

Ok, here she is. Kassity had her face painted at the VBS last week at church... Isn't this the cutest ever!  You should have seen the pirate we had come in as the guest entertainment for the kids... He was fabulous! He was funny, did magic tricks; and what an artist in the face painting!  They had an absolute blast and I think I took a total of 120 pictures.  I will only share a couple here. 

Thanks Theresa for coordinating such a great event. Kudos to you.

Taking Back the Power

My ex doesn’t get mentioned much here, and with good reason. I don’t feel the necessity to use the energy it would take to explain him. He does things and uses the kids to get me very “frustrated” to put it nicely. He has proven himself manipulative and I am not the only one who sees that. But today I mention him here, to share what I have learned, or one of the many things I have taken, from this journey and that is the ability to take back the power. What do I mean you ask? Well just that, I am learning to take back the power that I had given him to affect my mood and to rile my emotions, which was making me into a person I didn’t like. So instead I am choosing how I react to his actions; and choosing to have a good day.

Crazy? Maybe, but if you practice controlling any affect a person has on you… you can eventually regain that power and not let what they do or what they say affect your “reaction”. Instead you can bring it in check. Now it also helps to pray about this and ask for God to give you the grace and strength to do this very thing I suggest and it doesn’t happen overnight. Remember, I left my ex five years ago this October. But as a candidate of practice in this area I have at least minimized how much I let his actions, his decisions, or his voicemails affect my reaction. When he calls thirty times in a matter of a few hours while I am at work, to get my attention, knowing I am ignoring his calls, for example, yes, the badgering and consistent attempt to get me riled can be annoying. But I have decided not to allow him to dictate my mood nor how my day will go, regardless of how much he wants to control it.

One reason I can do this is because I know I am not doing anything wrong when it comes to the kids and that I am the stable environment they have come to appreciate. So he has nothing legitimate to say about the way I am parenting when the children are with me. Any accusations would be of no substance and therefore not worth my time nor my consideration. Please understand, it is not to say I can do no wrong nor that I am perfect; but only that I have evaluated and cross-examined my own parenting practices through mentors in my life that permit me to make these statements.

How can I be sure he has nothing valid for me to hear? Because when I do listen, when I do give him opportunity to tell me something about the children, he has only proven time and time again that it is about things that were not a part of our divorce agreement; irrational changes that he wants to make concerning the children’s custody, etc. So I am only ignoring these attempted contacts with good reason. And it’s very empowering and very liberating to delete those voicemails knowing there is no substance to them whatsoever.

Lately he is making these attempts with the children, drilling them and insisting they tell me what changes “they” want to make. I hope they will learn to “filter” through what their dad says, because they have to deal with it now more than I do. So I would like for them to adopt this concept as well.

Not everyone’s ex is this way, I understand. Even in my situation, I never want imply they have to disrespect their father, so I have to be cautious how this is taught. He is still their father and I do try to instill a sense of respect that they should have for him, so I make every attempt not to insult him or lower his value in their eyes. When they come to me with mandates that he has given them to tell me, I simply say, “That is not how it’s spelled out in the divorce agreement, so it’s not an option.” To their dad’s surprise they accept that and are content with things the way they are – even if he does try to convince them otherwise.

Earnestly, I am in the process of taking back that power that I gave an individual for many years. I believe it can be done.

What do you think? Is this a false concept? Is it possible to refrain from letting the actions of others affect your reaction? Please share your thoughts on this one. I can’t say I have mastered it… just something I attempt to do each day.

Rainbows and Butterflies

 

One thing I got in the habit of doing as my daughter was growing up, because she hated turning out the light at the end of the day, was to remind her to have dreams about rainbows and butterflies. I wanted her to have happy thoughts as she went to sleep and help her to have wonderful dreams. Well over the years she has developed an even bigger fascination with butterflies – we have them decorating her room. But I didn’t realize how giddy she became over seeing rainbows until last week. We were driving home in the afternoon following some afternoon storms and we spotted this rainbow along the highway. She was so excited and kept talking about it and begged me to stop and take this picture. My heart fluttered to hear the expression in her voice as she described it.

This moment reminded me once again what I learn from my children over and over again: to stop and smell the roses, or in this case, stop and take a picture. Even in the littlest of things, they can find such pleasure and joy. And if we will allow ourselves the moments to “be still” we can appreciate the moment and their joy as well. Too many times I have been guilty of hurrying through and shushing them instead of pulling over and taking a picture to halt the moment in time on film for further enjoyment down the road.

I will treasure this photo and it will always remind me of how excited she was to finally see a rainbow… her first rainbow.

Not my Tree!

I know the tree is over a hundred years old. I've lived next to it for 15 years. But every time a thunderstorm seems to be brewing of late, I think, “What if that tree gets hit?” So complaining about losing my electricity on my latest blog, then chatting with a new found friend, I realized how grateful I was that it was simply a temporary loss of electricity, and not damage to my house, or worse from my huge tree that could have happened. You see there were many down trees following that storm on Wednesday. All around the neighborhoods we saw them split, or branches fallen off into yards and over power lines. So it could have been my tree! But it wasn’t. And I am grateful.... a slowed reaction, but grateful.

It took me awhile, but I finally came to my senses. Remember, “Hello. My name is Kathy. I am a complainer.” But I am working on it! I am going to consider myself blessed.  I tell my kids we deal with "what is" not the "what ifs" so I am not suggesting being worried here about this tree (although, I know, when it storms it would appear I lean that way).... just grateful.

Thanks Jim, for helping me see that!

It’s ELECTRIC!

 

Electricity. We need it. We can’t live without it. But who thinks about it!? Well I do when I arrive home after a long day filled with work and evening activities to find that we have no power, and hadn’t had power for some time. So what do you think of, walking into the house in the dark? I think oh *$%^ Crap. My daughter however, is anxious and nervous and says, “Where are the candles?” I shake off my moment of frustration and get into gear. I pull out all the big chunky candles and start placing them strategically throughout the house: one in the living room, one in that bathroom and another in the kitchen.

So we have a little light; now what? Nothing. I call my sister-in-law and get no answer. Kass calls the neighbor; yes they have no power as well. So I know the block is out and it’s not just me having a crisis here without electricity. That makes me feel better. I embrace the reality of it and you bet, 9:45pm – we go to bed. What else could we do? Read by candlelight?

I turned on a light (the switch) so that when we got power during the night I would know it. Waking up several times through the night, I look at my cell phone to see the time, and wonder, “WHY don’t I have power yet?”

Well at 7:15 AM my sister-in-law returns the call from last night, waking me up and says – what did you want last night? I explain we don’t have power. Yeah you guessed it. We still didn’t have power and I have to work today….. I call a friend of mine from the office and share what is my current crisis and that I will be in, but late.

Finally I decide to take a shower, tepid and in the dark; throw on some makeup using sunlight from a window for light and pack up all my freezer goods to take to my friend’s house. She was generous enough to store them in her chest freezer. Then I head in to work.  My hair is still wet and today it will be the beach look. But no remarks about the “do”, ok? You don’t know how much it took for me to come into work without actually drying and getting to style my hair… No I’m not whining…. I just want power!

July 4-5 with my FAMILY!

Hairapy

 

Ok maybe the guys won't know what I mean when I say I got some much needed Hairapy last night, but the women reading this will!  I ended up with something different at the hair salon, something I have wanted to do with my hair and finally did it.  Getting my hair done is always a treat for me, a way to pamper myself; it just makes me feel good.  (Well if you have a good stylist, this is the case; but if you can't trust what they will do to your hair, it could be the opposite and just a stressful experience.) So if you are having a bad week - or just a stressful week, getting your hair done has a way of providing that much need hairapy/therapy for anyone.  Or maybe it's just a girl thing.

I have always been a brunette.  And I do love being a brunette (no offense to you blondes).  In the past I have gotten low lights in a violet hew and one other time I got a caramel mixed in with the violet.  But last night I got blonde highlights!  Now I know what you are thinking, "Big Deal!" right? But this is a big deal to me.  At least it's a different 'look' for me.  I have dark brown hair and the blonde is quite the contrast.  But thankfully, the new hair stylist I tried out last night did a great job with making it subtle, yet noticeable. (I know new style and new hairstylist; I was being brave!)  Anyway I hope everyone will like it.  My daughter likes the look and my son, wouldn't ever know the difference anyway :(. 

Now, the test will be to wait and see if the girls at work notice and hear what they think. I can't wait to hear their reaction!  Ok, girls, I am waiting....

Keith's Beamer!

Yes, one of my best friends bought a new BMW. Sleek silver, and what a ride!  Now officially one of my "bestest" best friends, he let me DRIVE IT!  Oh my and drive it or 'push' it we did.  I didn't get it as fast as he did on the interstate, but it was still awesome to drive it. 

The seats just envelope you like they are holding you, even caressing you, just like a glove. Yeah, hard to tell I like the car, huh?  Well it was one of those thrilling moments in life, sharing a new experience and enjoying the newness of the purchase along with a friend.  What good is it to buy a new BMW if you don't have someone to oooo and aaaah about it, right!?  That's what I am here for - I will give you the ooohs and the aaaahs....

So if you have something you want to show off, just bring it my way.  I will let you know if it was worth your money and your time.... I will give you the "satisfaction of a reaction!"

Oh and by the way, it may require I get in the driver's seat though, even if you do think I have to take off my heels to drive it! Right, Keith? lol.... yeah.... Thanks again Keith for the nice drive!  Your car is SWEET and PHAT.... or whatever the current term for awesome is these days.   ;)

My latest marriage proposal….and other dating horror stories from the recent past….

Those of you who have done the online dating thing…surely you have also experienced the regular “email marriage proposals”, right? I would once in a while get long emails of a guy’s desire to marry someone from America, or looking for the perfect mate and knowing immediately from your profile – that you are the one for them. They then ask if you are interested in marriage… uhmmm, yeah, before they even meet you or have a phone conversation!!

So these things shouldn’t surprise me, since I have done online dating and have experience with this. In addition, I wasn’t surprised to get an instant message the other day from someone who still had my Hotmail email address from a contact we had made many months ago. Now, I knew we must have spoken briefly many months ago on a dating site, but I didn’t even remember him; till he sent me his photo…and we had never went out. But before thirty minutes were up, he was instant messaging me…. “Do you believe in online marriage?” Yeah, I immediately ‘blocked’ him from sending any further messages without reply.

Ok, let’s get real here. Surely, he was kidding… but I don’t waste my time to find out because seriously who has time and because of a few other pretty unrealistic ‘expectations’ of sort that have taken place in my recent dating experience. One such experience was just a few weeks ago and I emailed a friend of mine about it…. So I saved the email following that week and will share it here as part of my blog entry.

Dating... Wow, you guys never cease to amaze me. ;)

This guy I saw Saturday night got mad and wouldn't tell me why.  We went out on one date that night (a first date, mind you) and he then called me Saturday night later after I got home (at which time we talked) and again Sunday, etc. ... finally I started getting a little annoyed... but called him back on Tuesday and it was during this conversation he said, “So where is this going?”

I thought I misunderstood him…. (See my shock factor hasn’t worn off!) But I didn’t cover very well, I said, “umm.... where is what going?” You see, we had went out on one date and I had already shared with him that my approach was to go out as friends at first for a while, so I replayed this same speech and then he starts in on why he drives a Nissan Sentra... and that he could afford a high car payment but chooses not to.... etc. (Again I sat on the phone in shock, because, exactly where did this come from?)

I just let him talk…because I was not sure where he was going with all this.... then he says... “…so I asked you, ‘Where is this going?’”

I went on to explain that I didn’t know him well enough to answer that. I wanted to date as friends so we could get to know each other better and make that decision about whether we wanted to be a "couple" farther down the road... (Again I am trying to react with low-key logic and not with – “You are insane!”)

To which, he said – “I am not in this for competition.” I said, “I didn't ask you to compete.” He then goes off on me and says that I have all these guy friends... I then replied, “Yeah…. but…. I am not in a serious relationship with anyone- so yes, I do have friends...” Then he said, “Well, I am a one guy - one girl kind of guy.”  That’s when I replied, “Well if we were a couple it would make sense that we would be having this conversation; but - you seem to be asking me to be exclusive when we have only had one date!” and then he let me know - well this just isn't going to work, he didn’t want the drama down the road... he needed someone who knows what she wants... to which I said:

"I know what I want, but I don't know you!"

Anyway... I shortly told him that I appreciated him sharing this and to have a good night and hung up.

Well, after hanging up, I remembered I had put on my myspace as a byline status.... that I had a hard 2 weeks ahead, but I was still stoked from driving Keith's new BMW....

I guess he saw that - drew his own conclusion without asking me about it and went off... literally on me ... as if I had done something wrong to him. .

Since, I was not in anyway invested in this guy... it's not a bad thing - I am glad I get these red flags early that a guy has this kind of attitude but… am I the only one that is shocked ... that a guy expects me to be in an exclusive relationship after one date…. and doesn't understand why I pull away?

I never cease to be amazed… literally.