May 1, 2008 - How Did I Get Here?

Below is an excerpt from a private blog/journal I wrote late one night just prior to my recent decision to take a break from dating. Here I take a late night inventory of my past relationships - my recent past, I should say, of people still within my "circle of friends," my "circle of singleness." I thought I would share a portion of it here as a part of my public blog about my recent search as well as the qualities that are and always will be important to me. However, with posting this "past" blog it doesn't change my current status of working on "me" and making the most of my time with my children as well as my established "singlehood" - keeping it happy and making a difference in my world - single.....

May 1, 2008:

Now, how did I get here? A mom of two, and single. Do I date? Yes but I have guy "friends" and that's all they want to be - friends. No pending relationships on the horizon.....

Anonymous A - great friend for 8 years+ ……..

Anonymous B - friend for couple years now, but never a romantic subject,

Anonymous C - friend for just a few short months now. We are on the same page with a lot of things; but he is not sure he wants to be a "step-dad" and he likes being single. Same thing I have heard many times....

Anonymous D - 2007 boyfriend, now just friends after realizing we were fooling ourselves to think a long (4 hour) distance relationship could work, since I am not moving there and him not able to get "diving" work here....

New guys - that may want to date: ....maybe....

There are others but nothing even worth mentioning. Seriously, what am I doing here?

I like my network, if you want to call it that of "friends" that don't mind helping me out when they can.... but wouldn't it be easier to have one full time relationship to work on? Perhaps not, with everyone so wishy washy these days about what they want.

What do they want? I think they want their cake and to eat it too, for the most part. They want their independent singleness, and yet the financial assistance of a partner to help with the bills; they want their fun days out with the guys but their girlfriend to stay at home and be available when its convenient for them again (not that having time apart is a bad thing, but it shouldn't be based on the convenience of only one partner).... they want the nursemaid when they are sick and want you to understand if they only provide a simple phone call when you are sick and under the weather. No more dedication; passion; focus; attention; pursuit; no more growing and evolving into something beautiful; no more wanting to see it work, make it work with a gentile and kind heart and determination; no nurturing that flower that is visible in the future that will grow from the stub of a stem that has peaked its way through the ground as "possibility and promise"(ok, I was a little dramatic here, but it was after midnight). No realization that we must "own" our baggage and be willing to accept the other's baggage as part of this journey at this stage of life;

Qualities that I cannot compromise:

1. must love my children
2. Christian
3. no drugs or illegal activity
4. non-smoker
5. waiting for the intimate act for future life partner (even if past mistakes)
6. intelligent
7. financially stable
8. emotionally stable
9. strong communicator

Who meets these?

And

Where do I go from here?

Well I go to work - take care of my kids; paint and work on my projects in my spare time; ask for help when I need it and hope for volunteers; and continue on my journey - me and Jesus at this time. He is my relationship I am working on and I do have a ways to go with that one - it needs some help so that is my agenda and He will tell me when I need to alter it or add something more important into that mix.

Thank you Jesus for being real in my life and for being a foundation that I received from all that my Mom and Gramma poured into me. I miss them desperately and want to live my life as a tribute to their legacy and always make them proud - even in their absence.