Each Day, Each Decision, Each Defining Moment

I'm so proud of my kiddos, my treasures.  They make me crazy at times. I don't need to go there, but they are also making me quite proud.

Jas is off to college and seems to be settling in.  He's been home only once and I like that he is getting a feel for being on his own and doing things on his own - even though I know he is hanging with his friends and even staying over in their dorm - instead of his own suite.... but that's a story for another day about his room mate.  At the very least he is developing a routine and getting into the groove of the work expected of him; and so far I haven't gotten any sobbing phone calls in the middle of the night - begging to come home for good. (knock on wood)

Kass has started high school and is really doing well.  We moved, which placed her in a different high school from her brother - actually the one she wanted to attend - and she loves it.  She is so grown up that it is even shocking sometimes to me.  We hang out in the evenings during the week, make dinner together and work on some chore at the house.  I love this time we get to bond, making memories, just the two of us.

Then there are my other kiddos that aren't here as often: Chad's three that we try to see as much as we can (like the camping trip last weekend with 4 of our 5 kiddos):

Tori is driving already!  She is also doing well this year and looking forward to getting her license sooner than I like to think about, lol.  She seems to be enjoying her second year of high school and the social life it brings.

Rach is finishing up her last year of middle school and has outdone herself with her latest accomplishment with violin.  She is first row 2nd chair - what a high honor!  We are very proud of the fact she is excelling and putting her energy into something she loves, her talent with music.  (And Rach- I hope i have your chair listing correct!)

And then there's Drew.  Little rambunctious Drew that loves his electronics and his books.  So smart he amazes us all as he sails above the rest of his classmates in most of his subjects.

I pray for them daily and my hope is that they will continue to remember and acknowledge that each day, each decision, each defining moment leads them to the bigger picture that results from the choices they make.  I want the best for them but more than that - more than even I can imagine for them - I want God's best for them.  I pray they will also strive for what God has for their futures - His best.

Find yourself, keeping it real...

Kat

One boyfriend, one curfew, one text message at a time

While the debate is on in the background, I wanted to sit down and finally f.i.n.a.l.l.y. write another blog.  I have so much to share with my readers, but I will spare you the boring and only share the highlights.

The kiddos

Jas and Kass, the kiddos… I now refer to them in public as “the bigguns.”  They are growing up so fast I can’t keep up; and I am with them every day. (Well almost every day. But I digress <= already!)

Kass has a boyfriend. Seriously you don’t want me to get started on that point.  Trust me when I say, I am just going to leave it at that. And yes, she now has the “worst mother ever” because of the guidelines I have instructed about me being “in-the-know” regarding their conversations and “text messages.” (Can I just skip this part of her life and do a fast forward?!) Sadly if I did – she would be out of college and married after that blink.  Let the roller coaster ride begin, then.

Jas went to his homecoming dance. (Yes, can you believe a formal dance!) And he dressed for it: I have pictures to prove it. He is talking more and more about college plans, taking PSAT tests and I am still reminding him he needs to start applying for those ever lovely scholarships.  Can you believe I will be getting his senior portraits done in just 8 months?! Yeah, I need to stop before I hyperventilate.

The House/Move

Not sure if and/or when we will be moving/selling the house.  That seems to be in an “on hold” mode right now.  But with recent home improvement projects and “other” improvements on the list, we are still enjoying the process of making this one just like we want it.  My kiddos love living here.

Goals

I have been working on creating my goals for the next 5 years and trying to simplify exactly what that means from finances to my children’s spiritual growth.  One thing I do realize more and more each day is this parenting thing is tough.  Don’t let anyone tell you that it’s easy (even with two parents partnering together in one house). It gets tougher as they mature into these ‘tweens’ and teens; and sometimes I have to step back and ask God, “Can I do this?” Then I am reminded, “I can do all things, through Christ…” even when I feel like pulling my hair out.

Interjection here… I am watching the debate and it’s almost comical as they deliberate about “apples and oranges” for this 9-9-9 plan on the taxes.  That is all.

But in the meantime…day by day…

As I prepare for those goals and discuss my kiddos’ (the bigguns’) futures with them, we continue pressing on each day-- one at a time: one hairdo, one curfew, one text message, one XBox match, one girl scout session, one church service, one grade, one boyfriend, at-a-time.

Technorati Tags: teens,tweens,family time,college,scholarships,parenting,personal development,Faith,persistence

The Proposal

We were supposed to be writing down our 2 year and our 5 year plans.  Mr. M didn’t want to give me his first, nor did I.  So we agreed.  Write them down and we would hand them to each other at the same time.

When you sit down with your significant other and talk about the future, it can be a happy time or a stressful time.  I wanted our discussions to be happy.  Plus I wanted to know what he was thinking now that we have been seeing each other over 18 months and counting.  I felt like we were getting to “idle” mode and I didn’t know what that meant.  I only dated my X for a collective six months before we were engaged. (Yeah long story there.)  So this long ongoing relationship was a record and we enjoy what we have, but I like to plan… you know me and my lists.

This is so different from when I was dating as a single mom.  I vividly remember those days; and you have read about them, many of them.  Back during that time I searched the web for other single moms dating.  We embraced each other over the vast network of interlocking technology and cabling and became “like sisters,” vicariously living through each other when one of us met someone new or when we were battling the online dating saga.  There were Ms. Single Mama, Single Mom Still Seeking, Desperately Seeking Sanity, and Modern Single Mom.  I say were because we have all moved on now to a new season of our relationships.  Modern Single Mom and Desperately Seeking are now married and blessed, while the other two are planning the big day, engaged. 

And me?

Well, a few nights ago I was holding a piece of paper folded with Mr. M’s 2-year and 5-year goals on it, focusing on our relationship and where it was heading from his perspective.  He was holding mine.  Quickly we opened them for our ‘reveal.’

I squealed.

Here’s what his said:

2 year plan – I want to see what you wrote first.

5 year plan – I want to continue to always be right.

Nice.

I had been had.

Mine of course broke down marriage, buying a house, getting my PMP certification, and preparing for my kids college days.

It all turned out ok, he finally filled out the real thing and listed marriage etc. but I told him I am still expecting an official proposal.  He smiled and said, “But you already asked me.”

Yeah, it doesn’t work that way.  He knows I am still waiting.

I will let you know when the big question gets popped.  Maybe next year, or the next… but I will be waiting.

Find yourself… keeping it real.

The party you were trying to reach was DISCONNECTED

I just got back from vacation and now I am in the process of getting my connection to the world back on the hook. 

The kiddos and I went to Pigeon Forge, TN.  Great place.  We go every summer.  Literally.  And with this trip I didn’t even tote the laptop with me.  I had the cell phone turned off most of the time we were there as well.  It was nice to just get away, to have fun, and completely disconnect from the rest of the world.  So I didn’t twitter, I didn’t check facebook and my emails piled up to about 700 messages in my personal gmail account alone.  I haven’t even looked at the office emails yet.  That will come Tuesday.

But for today I wanted to check back in, write a short blog, and see what I missed.  This is to let my friends and recent followers know that I am not ignoring your friend requests on facebook or your following alerts on Twitter.  No, it’s not that at all; I just didn’t see them until today.  I have only looked at or deleted 200 emails so far and with almost 500 more personal emails to sort through, some of your requests I haven’t even seen yet.

Mr. M and his boys came down and met us while we were gone so we kept the kiddos busy with fun stuff to do everyday and playing in the water park every night at the resort where we stayed.  There are lots of photographs I want to share and there’s definitely more to say about the week of events.

But in the short version: Yes, we had a blast.  I wish I could say I missed twitter, the blog, and facebook, oh my.  But taking a week away, completely away, was definitely worth it. 

In case you haven’t done so for awhile… you need to pull the plug, get off the hook, and give it a try.

Find yourself…keeping it real.

Photo Credit: PhotoXpress.com (Juan David Ferrando)

Love, it moves me

He said I love you and it touched the deepest part of me.

Having a teenager is full of challenges.  I talk about them often.  My frustrations and my moments. Not necessarily my moments of overwhelming joy, just my moments.

To his credit, my teenage son is a good kid.  He is.  He just has his “moments.”

A couple months ago when we were at the lake celebrating Memorial Day, he was misbehaving like most big brothers do and was bullying his sister in the water.  She was fine, but he kept doing it and getting a reaction from her of course.  I didn’t realize how persistently he had been doing it since I only witnessed one episode in the water.  Later in conversation with the girls (Kass and her friend E) I realized there was more to it.  “I couldn’t believe you only had him to sit out of the water for 10 minutes when he was doing that to Kass,”  E said to me in that conversation.  I had only made him come out the one time I saw him pushing her around and dunking her in the water.  E told me he had been doing that most of the day.

With this new information I wondered how I would help Jas see the way more clearly.  When I mentioned the concern to Mr. M he gave me a brilliant idea.  “Have him write a paper as his punishment.” Let the punishment fit the crime.  Knowing Jas doesn’t like writing papers for school, I knew this would be punishment enough and the topic combination would be none other than “how people drown” and “teenage bullying.” That should cover it.  I wanted him to realize for himself that “messing around” in the water dunking someone or holding them under temporarily to be funny, was no laughing matter and could lead to something serious if someone panicked. 

So he had to write the paper before spending any time with friends or getting his laptop returned.  Long story short, he wrote the paper.  We went back to the lake, July 4th weekend and the incident was not repeated; not even once.

I’m not going to sit here and tell you “Yay for me,” I’ve got this raising teenagers thing down to a science.  Because quite simply, I don’t. I’m still learning. Every day.

The kiddos have been gone spending some time with their dad for three weeks.  To say I miss them is the understatement of the year. Yes, even with their “moments” I miss them. I have talked with them every couple of days since they have been gone.  Today, when I was talking to Jas, which usually lasts all of 45 seconds with each phone conversation, I ended with, “I love you.”  Normally he won’t say it, especially in front of his dad.  So consider my surprise when he said “I love you, too.”

It has happened before, if you read this post from 2008.  Yeah, 2008.  It’s been said at other times sporadically since then, that I haven’t blogged.  But still you can appreciate that it doesn’t happen often.

When he said those four words, it immensely touched the deepest part of my being.  I cannot articulate it better than to say… it moved me.

Find yourself… keeping it real.

Technorati Tags: discipline,teenagers,love,family time,parenting

Teen Dance, Angst, and Slaps: Oh My

Recently I received an email from a guy we’ll call John.  I had previously posted a blog titled: A woman’s value is NOT based on her Bra size and he saw it and responded to me by asking for some advice.  Here was the dilemma he experienced:

Dear Katherine,

My name is (John) and I'm 17 years old.  I came upon your blog and  even though you don't have teenagers, I thought you might have some good insight on an experience I recently had.  It involved a girl I had just met at a dance.  We talked for a good half hour and seemed to be hitting it off.  She was very pretty, smart and nice.  We even exchanged email addresses.  I was so excited!

Then, things suddenly went downhill.  I commented that she had a “really nice, hourglass figure”. I thought she would take it as a compliment but instead she became deeply offended.  She told me I was being "inappropriate" and with a look of complete disgust, WHAP!, she slapped my face and departed. 

As I was standing there alone rubbing my cheek, with my friends nearby laughing at me, I was wondering why she was so offended.  She had a classic hourglass figure - busty, narrow waist, shapely hips/legs.  I guess she had interpreted “hourglass” as meaning big/overweight/full figured. Why can't girls embrace their curves?

Btw, I do have her email address.  Do you think I should send her an apology note or should I interpret the slap in the face as another way of saying she does not want to see me again?  

(John)

I have already responded to John, and my advice was to go ahead and try “only once” to email her with an apology.  Even if she didn’t respond I told him he could take away from this experience a newfound sensitivity to communicating with girls.  We are complicated creatures and puzzling when it comes to communication, you know.  Plus we all have our own angst about body image.

This long story short has a happy ending… but what do you think? 

Did she over-react? 

Should guys be more cautious when speaking to a girl he just met? 

What could he have done differently at the dance?

Well in the case with John here, he has kept in touch with me every step of the way: from the email apology all the way to their coffee date they had this past weekend.  For his date he was encouraged by his mom to take the young lady a small token of his heart felt apology (a daisy is what I suggested). 

After sharing a little about their time together on the coffee date,(John) says this is how it ended:

As we were leaving, she gave me a hug and peck on the cheek. I told her it was a big improvement from the last time and she laughed :-)

Sweet.

Please share your thoughts in the comments section below.

Find yourself…keeping it real.

Technorati Tags: relationships,dating,dances,first date,self esteem,confidence,body image,hourglass figure

Single moms everywhere… are getting married

You remember my good friend Heather Jacobson… and her recent marriage proposal via twitter, right?  If not check it out here.

Well even though I am ecstatic about her bliss… this got me thinking.  A few months back, modernsinglemomma.wordpress.com got married and started a new project.  Singlemomseeking is making wedding plans following her recent engagement – big wedding plans.  And then MsSingleMama  almost deleted her blog and has eluded to possible marriage in her future as well.  And there are others.  Several.

So what am I getting at?

Do I want to get married?

No, not anytime soon. (Mr. M already knows this – so I am not revealing any secrets.)  We are enjoying our long-term relationship at the moment of one year and almost three months (4 days away).  A dating life can be a good life without rushing into marriage.  And I will plug here – it takes time to get to know each other along the way.

But:

All these single mom bloggers and their marriage plans have me thinking though: isolating my blogging buddies and reads to mostly single moms… might not be such a great plan.  Things change, people evolve in their relationships, and boom next thing you know they aren’t single mom bloggers anymore.

Perhaps I need to open up my focus to more than the single moms as an audience on my blog.  (Glad this occurred to me right after becoming the single mom examiner for Roanoke’s examiner.com.  But I digress…)  Now: how do I make that transition with little or no turbulence? That is going to take some more me-time to think about.  (And all moms need me-time.)

Can this be done?

I like to broadcast my blog as being one for single moms and moms alike – since we can all be inspired to improve upon our relationship skills and personal development because that is not just something single moms glean from.  Married moms would just get to hear about my dates – and how single moms introduce relationships to their kiddos; and then they could share about their once-a-month date nights with their hubbies and how it improves their marriage relationship.  See it all works, doesn’t it?

What’s your thoughts out there, blogosphere?

I need some feedback here.

Find yourself… keeping it real.

Technorati Tags: weddings,marriage proposals,marriage,relationships,me-time,single moms,blogging,moms,mom bloggers,examiner.com

Photo Credit: \photoXpress.com \ Vitaliy Pakhnyushchyy

Adora Svitak – interesting lesson for us adults

What an amazing 12 year old.  You must view this video where she articulates how we as parents or adults in general can be more helpful to future generations by simply “reciprocating” and learning from children as they also in turn learn from us.

Wow. Seriously take the few minutes to view her speech.

If you can’t get it to play above, here’s the link: http://www.ted.com/talks/view/id/815.

Find yourself… keeping it real.

Technorati Tags: children,learning,future generations,open mind

Marriage Proposal via Twitter – no kidding!

Here’s the tweet and I saw it when it went live… it’s the real deal:

 

A very good friend and blogging buddy, Heather Jacobson (and recent participant in this single mom interview) officially became engaged today… and it was all done…over the twittersphere.  She and the one she lovingly calls “the boy” on her blog (@notabadsaint) have been discussing marriage for… quite some time.  But he hadn’t officially asked her until today.

She is the social media guru around town and the tweet went viral shortly after the initial proposal.  She has been the hot topic on other mom blogs as well.

Congrats, Heather!! And although I will tell you in person very soon… blogging about it after he asked you over twitter… just seemed appropriate as a means to send congrats.

So I guess this means you are hanging up the single mom hat.

Find yourself… keeping it real.

Technorati Tags: twitter,social life,social media,blogging,marriage proposals,relationships

Single Mom Examiner

That’s my new title over on www.Examiner.com for the local area – Roanoke Valley.

I just started writing articles this week for the site and so I have added more to my plate.  Being off from work with spring break and barricaded in my room whilst they refinish my hardwood floors has helped me keep my quota of three to four articles this week.  But what will next week bring?

Lots of time management lessons and sacrifice.

So take a minute and check out this article where I do an interview with a local single mom in the area, Heather Jacobson from www.desperatelyseekingsanity.com.  I think my blog readers will appreciate her thoughts – even if you aren’t from the area.

Well… what are you waiting on? Do me a ginormous favor… go check out – Enjoying Roanoke as a Single Mom.

While you are there go ahead and read a couple others, like the local version of Building Bridges of the Dinner Table or this one: VA will begin cash for clunker appliances.

Enjoy…and thanks for the clicks!

Find yourself… keeping it real.

Technorati Tags: examiner.com,news,interviews,time management,cash for clunkers,appliances,rebates,Roanoke Valley,Roanoke

Creating Bridges Over the Dinner Table +CONTEST

Some of my favorite “family times” with the kiddos are over the dinner table.  I don’t know if you still hold to this tradition of getting everybody together for the evening meal, but I am a strong advocate for the family dinner table.  It is during this time that we have sibling rivalry in full force – that is true; but it is also the time we get to share with each other about our day, our exciting news, our newest or latest and greatest whatever it might be.  We love to tell each other what new information we have learned or new gimmick we came across during our day… and this keeps us communicating. (So important!)

And yes I know what you are saying, “but my day is too busy to plan a meal,” or “we are all going in different directions with this game and this meeting to be together to eat dinner.”  (I do understand) But you can find a way to do what is important to you. My advice – is simply start making it important.  You won’t be sorry if you do.

If you have trouble finding the time to make an excessive meal AND sit down together to enjoy it – shorten the workload and occasionally pickup food on your way home.  Obviously, you nor I can do this everyday, but sometimes I will pick up Chinese food or pizza on the way home from work to help with this task.  They do the work and I take it home for us to find the time to sit down together to eat it.

With pizza on the brain, I wanted to also share a current sweepstakes in my local area:

Here are some details about Pass the Pie Roanoke Area:

• This sweepstakes is open exclusively to residents of Roanoke City, Lynchburg City, as well as residents of the following Virginia counties: Roanoke, Montgomery, Henry, Pittsylvania, Franklin, Boutetourt, Bedford, Wythe and Rockbridge.
• The winner will receive a year’s worth of free pizza from Papa John’s.
• To enter: Fill out the form at http://PassthePieRoanokeArea.com. After you enter, you will be asked to share contest details with your friends on Twitter or Facebook.
• Everyone who enters will receive a special discount to Roanoke-area Papa John’s locations for his/her time.

It’s that simple.  So take a moment, fill out the form, tweet about it, and then take a night to use that discount and get pizza… and get those kiddos talking around the dinner table.

Remember even when you want to say… “could you please shut up be quiet so I can hear myself think while we eat,” keep them chatting anyway… because when they are teens and you want them to open up, your bridge you have created in communication now – will be so helpful.  Trust me on that one.

Find yourself… keeping it real.

Full Disclosure:  Papa Johns contacted me requesting I share this sweepstakes with you and have offered me a free pizza for sharing it with you my blog readers.

Technorati Tags: papa john pizza,Pass the Pie Roanoke Area,dinner table,communication,teenagers,pizza,family time

Conversations of Conspiracy

Jas: Did you have your milk?

me: yes

Jas: Oh (as he is making his cereal)

me: You can use up the rest of the milk if you need to.

Jas: No, I don’t like the last part of the milk.

me: What?

Jas: It gets nasty at the bottom of the jug.

me: Why would you say that?  Nobody puts their mouth on the bottle.

Jas: The bottom.  It just does – and I always end up with the last part of the milk.  How is that?

me: We save it for you, Jas.  We see that it’s getting almost empty and say – I am going to save this for Jas.  Yep. That’s what we do.  (He found us out. It’s a conspiracy against him and the milk.)

***

And you know that is truth, because I have nothing more important or captivating going on in my world so I definitely have time to calculate when the milk is about to run out – and strategically save that last 8-10 ounces for him every time we go through a gallon.  Which is about twice a week. Yep.  And I was wondering why I haven’t had time for other things like:  counting the seeds in the jar of pickles or how many layers remain on the onions in the pantry.  Where are my priorities?  Now I know. 

The world can be a better place… the mystery has been solved for Jas and his milk debacle.

Find yourself…keeping it real.

Technorati Tags: milk,conversations,communication,conspiracy,sarcasm

Photo Credit: stockvault.net/freeimageslive

Disciplining Teens Can Be Hazardous to Your Health

Warning – Disciplining teenagers can be hazardous to your health.

“Some people think discipline is making your children do what you want.  Actually discipline is how you react to your children when they don’t do what you want.” 

–K. McCurdy (my counselor)

I thought this was a profound idea and it put this whole disciplining teenagers thing into perspective, a  better perspective for me to deal with at least.  It removed the pressure of feeling like a failure if my kiddos didn’t do exactly what I wanted them to do. (As if any of them always behave, right?) This quote above was in essence what my therapist/counselor told me in a session this week when I shared a little about a recent battle with my teenage son.

Control Freak

Being a control freak (yes I admit it) this is something I needed to hear.  I get caught up in trying to ‘control’ my children.  As they get older and ‘wiser’ this becomes more of a battle and I end up more frustrated with trying to coerce them into doing what they should do – instead of concentrating on simply how I am going to react to them when they don’t.

“But this is a scary stage – raising a teenage boy.”  As a single mom – I shared these words with my counselor. 

He replied, “Sounds like you are doing a good job. You didn’t engage him, you just told him what would be the consequences of his actions and then followed through by doing it.  Now you have to remember there’s no argument: He does this – then this other is the consequence – and just stick to it. You are the parent - you have the authority.  (There is no reason to argue. It’s that simple.)”

No argument; Just Consequences

Sounds simple enough.  Maybe you have the discipline factor down to a science. But I gleaned from this conversation that day.  I can sigh in relief – knowing I just need to work on how I react when they ‘misbehave’ and communicate the consequences that will await them; instead of arguing my point, feeling guilty because they misbehave and I have to punish them for it. 

Punishments

That punishment usually entails losing liberties like spending time with friends, time on the computer, or playing video games.  The older my kiddos get – time with friends seems to pinch the most.

This parenting thing…. I am going to get it right… one of these days. (And when I do that - I need to conquer relationship etiquette.) How much time do I have?

What are other consequences to use with teenagers?

Find yourself…keeping it real.

Photo Credit: sxc.hu/Doug Powell

Technorati Tags: discipline,teenagers,communicating,consequences,behavior,counseling,arguing,punishments,raising teenagers,stages of children,parenting

When It’s Hard to Talk About…

What do you do?

What do you do when you have to tell your significant other something that is difficult?  Difficult for you to say and difficult for them to hear. 

Do you hide behind the computer screen, sending them an email or an instant message hoping for the best?

Do you ask for a few moments of privacy and share it in person?

How do they react when you finally say it?

How do you react to their reaction?

Sometimes there will be difficult issues that come up and have to be discussed in relationships – hard things that would be easy to just ignore or pretend didn’t exist.  But to keep the relationship healthy you have to confront these “issues,” talk about the tough stuff, and get it out there in the open. 

Early in relationships – or even months and months in – this can be difficult to confront.  You are unsure how the other person will react or if they will just withdraw and shut you out.  But you still have to deal with these kinds of things.  You need to know how the other person will handle the bumps in the road anyway (if there is to be any future in this relationship), so go ahead, share it, get it over with.

I did.

It’s a process sometimes when working through things that are difficult to talk about.  Sometimes that process takes time and more than one conversation.

Just remember talking can be gentle – it doesn’t have to be scary.

What do you do when you have to talk about the ‘tough stuff’?

Find yourself… keeping it real.

photo credit: photoXpress.com/Pavel Losevsky

Technorati Tags: relationships,communication,conversations,single moms,personal development,reactions,difficult issues

Abandon Ship or Toss Him Overboard!?

GE3F6BSE4UUD  (Technorati Claim Token)

Jump Overboard

How many times have you wanted to jump ship?  Have you ever said – “That’s it! Enough is enough!”?

No I don’t mean on your relationship with your significant other (even though that relationship is what I have been focusing on this month); I mean with your kiddos!

The Boiling Point

Many times I have found myself at that pressure point: boiling; as they have gotten on my last nerve when it comes to reminding, reprimanding, and refereeing a set of siblings.  Just yesterday I wanted to either strangle my teenager, toss him overboard, or drive off and not come back…. for a long time.

Now I would NEVER actually follow through on these crazy notions, mind you, but it’s no rarity that this happens while parenting, working fulltime and wearing all the other hats we do as parents… especially as a single parent.  So what is the answer?  How do we cope?

Life Wheel – Out the Window!

At that point when I found myself getting hotter and hotter and my voice was rising higher and higher I just wanted to take that life wheel of balance and chuck it out the window.  So keeping things in balance wasn’t helping in that moment.

Reflection

Of course, later that night when I reflected on the moment and my reaction, (my despairing and loud crazy woman kind of reaction) I was disappointed.  I regretted that I let the pressure get the best of me and push me past my “point.”  I prayed, “Change me, Lord.”  I want to react better to my kiddos when I’ve had it “up to here.”

It’s all about choices.

I don’t always make the best ones.

Good News

But the good news is, He still loves me.

And that’s the point.

My kids may disappoint me too – pushing me past my “point.” But I still love them  - and yes indeed, very much.  And realizing that God still loves me as well– even when I get bent out of shape at times… makes me feel better about my own “disappointing reactions.”

Find yourself… keeping it real.

Photo Credit: PhotoXpress.com/MAXFX

Technorati Tags: relationships,parenting,love,choices,disappointing oneself,God's love,stress,pressure,reactions,raised voice

My Children Survived; Yours Will Too

Last year I was asked to write an article for www.Little-Red-Bus.com.  It’s a site focusing on parenting and children (another great resource).  I was again thrilled at the invitation.  We worked through some details and I decided to do an article on children surviving divorce, more specifically my children surviving our divorce. 

I won’t post the whole article here at length but it does contain some tips that I found through personal experience that seemed to help my kids through the rough road we had ahead of us at the time.  (I hope you will jump over there to the link of my personal article live on their site and check it out.)

Now all these years later, I can look back and say:  at least some of the things I tried to do worked - for my kiddos anyway.  They are both doing well in school, have active social lives, are physically fit, and have hearty appetites… so overall I am quite proud of them for enduring the road of divorce and still being well-rounded individuals.

What are some tips you would offer to parents going through divorce?

Share your comments below.

Find yourself… keeping it real.

Another Reason to Dis Valentine’s Day

When I was single (hey even while I was married) I used to ‘dislike’ Valentine’s Day.  It’s so full of  anticipation and fairytale expectations, it’s easy to fall victim to it’s spell.  After the divorce it officially became my least favorite holiday of the year.  Back then I would take valentines to my mom and granny – showing them love as two favorite people in my life.  But I knew there had to be another reason for not liking Valentine’s Day. 

This year is the first time after the big “D” I have been in a “year long” relationship when coming up on the holiday.  So this year it was supposed to be different, right?

Nope.

This year I fell victim to it’s spell and thought it was supposed to be dreamy, romantic, and special.  (Hey, I’m not proud of it.)  I had sent a text message back in January asking about making plans with Mr. M.  I brought it up in person one other time.  As the weekend drew nigh, the snow changed the Forum Day at G.S. and it changed when the kiddos would be with me instead of their dad.  With all this chaos – Mr. M. figured we wouldn’t be able to do anything (with just the two of us). 

But instead of saying that…or asking about it.  The thought of the day was dropped.  I didn’t want to pester him, and he just assumed it was no big deal.  Back to the spell, though, I thought he would still try to make plans and that it would be as important to him to carve out one hour for us even if it was just in a public place to chat (with no kiddos) since that rarely ever happens.  (Starting to have deja vu? You would think I’d learn my lesson eventually.)

I thought this, and he thought something different.  Without communicating these ‘thoughts’ the whole day was shot – in the foot.  We started the day off with my disappointment being conveyed in frustration and complaints.  He didn’t know what to say.  I wish I could tell you that it wasn’t a big deal… I let it become one, once again.

Well I finally tried to salvage the day by going over with my kiddos to have dinner with him, his boys, his mom and step-dad.  With the whole crowd, it wasn’t what I was hoping for (that silly spell did a number on me); but I did get to see him and I got to give him the card I personally made for him and he gave me the sweetest bouquet of handmade flowers.

Maybe someday… I will get this relationship thing right.  Maybe.

Find yourself… keeping it real.

Photo credit: Stockvault.net/Creativity103

The Secret to Love that Lasts

Well if you haven’t been keeping up, February is relationships month on SOLO dot MOM. With Valentine’s Day around the corner and the official one year anniversary for me and Mr. M., what better time to talk about relationships.

I can talk about relationships all day and they don’t have to be romantic; all relationships in our lives are important and worth evaluating to make them better.  With this thought in the back of my mind, I recently read a blogpost, “The Key to Lasting Love May Surprise You,” by my fave author, Donald Miller.  He references an article found in Scientific American Mind magazine, titled: Fall in Love and Stay That Way, by Robert Epstein. 

There were several exercises outlined in the original article that the author also uses in the classroom as they study increasing bonds in relationships.  They range from “Soul Gazing” (staring into the eyes of your partner) to “Let Me Inside” (closing in on each other’s space intentionally getting as close as you can without touching) or “Secret Swap” (sharing a deep secret).  Through research he has determined these to be effective “Love Building Exercises” increasing positive affection toward the other person (even when they were strangers). Several exercises make up his full list. 

I enjoyed Miller’s post and  after reading the mentioned article in full I could appreciate his summarizing positivity as a key factor.  He also mentions another article, The Happy Couple by Suzann Pileggi which highlights the fact that “thriving couples accentuate the positive” in life as a couple. Recently I shared about being a cheerleader for your spouse in my tips for newlyweds.  It’s nothing new for me to agree with this idea.

So is this the secret key to long lasting happy marriages?  Keeping a positive attitude and approaching your significant other with the idea that the glass is half full not half empty will be encouraging, uplifting, and should be reciprocated… well most of the time.  So that’s promising.

Michele Dortch shares in her latest blogpost some other keys that I think are also important and tie in with with this idea.  She reviews the book, titled: The Language of Love & Respect: Cracking the Communication Code with Your Mate by: Dr. Emerson Eggrichs.  The communication ‘codes’ simplified are: for the ladies to communicate respect to their spouse and for the men to communicate love.  How profound.

Perhaps there is more than one key to happy long lasting relationships.  Communication and commitment also rank pretty high.  But trying them out and keeping them in the forefront of our minds are more important than just knowing what they are.  Practice makes perfect.  So I plan to practice these keys.  I know I have tried to be a positive person for many years, but I also know there are times I can speak with a lack of respect to someone (especially those closest to me).  Even if it’s subtle disrespect, it still is… disrespect.  I’m just being transparent.

This is where I want to focus on my relationship skills: communicating with respect consistently. And this goes for all relationships in my life: with my children, Mr. M., family members, and friends.  Now that doesn’t mean I’m not going to try out those other “love building exercises” I read about.  “Soul Gazing” sounds interesting, for example as well as “Let Me Inside”.  But respect will be primary.

February is not only going to be relationship focus month, but also having fun in your relationships month!  Well… you know what I mean.

Leave a comment below with what you consider to be a key to happy long lasting relationships.

Find yourself… keeping it real

Photo Credit: PhotoXpress.com/dip

Technorati Tags: communication,relationships,personal development,respect,Scientific American Mind,Donald Miller,IntegratedMother.com,positivity,positive attitude,happy successful relationships

No, Everything is not going to be ok

When I read this title on Seth Godin’s blog this week, it made me stop in my tracks.   What do you mean, it’s not going to be ok?  But read that title again, it says “everything”.  He goes on to say more about this thought:  how change is inevitable which brings more change and that some things will get better with change – but other things will get worse.  That is the cycle of life.  Yet we seek the reassurance, that it will all be ok.  And at times we lie to each other and say, Yes, everything is going to be ok. “But everything is never ok.”

It is true isn’t it?  Some families will fall apart and get divorced, while other singles are finding true love, some for the second or third time.  Marriages that are thriving in their relationships might be dealing with financial problems.  One friend will lose his job at the same time another finds a better one.  At any one point in time “everything” will not be ok, not all at once.  Even as a Christian I can say EVERYTHING is never completely ok. So instead of seeking reassurance of that perfection in life, it might make for a smoother ride if we can accept the fact, there will be some bad along with the good for each of us in our lives.  Focusing on the good helps – and developing a strategy to deal with the bad also helps as we face this fact.

My brother is still working through his depression.  He is getting better (thanks to all of you who have been praying for him) and is continuing therapy.  Encouragement and support are definitely what he needs right now.  But blindly telling him that the problems that were going on in his life before this depression hit, will somehow magically disappear is a falsehood and unrealistic.  Instead I am encouraging him about getting better and stronger emotionally and mentally but also gently reminding him that there will still be the “stuff” he has to deal with on the other side of this.  Right now he just needs to focus on getting better so he can deal with that stuff…later on… like the rest of us deal with our own stuff.

So when you are tempted to say to someone, “Everything is going to be ok.”  Stop and think, but is it?

Find yourself… keeping it real.

Photo credit: http://www.sxc.hu/…/amirhd

Making Plans for V-Day?

Conversation with me and Mr. M last night:

me: Did you get my text message?

him: No.

me: Really?

him: not yet

me: I sent it to you around 8 while I was in that meeting.

him: What was it about?

me: about making plans for V day.

him: what day?

me: V Day

him: D Day?

me: V Day, V Day

him: What are you talking about?

me: V Day …in February… it’s on Sunday this year.

him: Was that what your meeting was about?

me: No, it just occurred to me that you would need to ask your mom to keep the boys so we could do something.

him: Oh.  It’s on Sunday?

…

D-Day? Seriously? Come on…

But it’s not very romantic if I take time out – during a meeting – to send a text message about making plans for V-Day, hmm?  

Then again, what is my relationship coming to if Mr. M doesn’t have a clue what I mean when I ask about V-Day?

Oh well…. At least February is coming… remember that monthly mission?  I think we need it.

What are you doing for Valentine’s Day?

Find yourself… keeping it real.

Technorati Tags: Valentine's Day,V-Day,Romance,Relationships,Dating,Single moms dating,communicating,new years resolutions

Photo Credit: Photoxpress.com, WaD