List for Newlywed Marriages, Part 5 of 5

9.  FLEETING FEELINGS Versus WORK WORK WORK: 

Feelings are fleeting but commitment is work.  Don’t forget there will be days you can’t stand your spouse… or at the very least days you are upset with him or her.  Feelings move up and down with each day and each circumstance and with emotions.  If you find the negative feelings are weighing on you and not changing… there may be another problem at the source that needs to be addressed through number 8, counseling.  Commitment to making the marriage work is what will carry you through, and that means work on both sides.  Expecting your feelings to be enough to sustain the marriage will only eventually leave you stranded and in a failed relationship.

10.  BE CHEERLEADERS: 

Build up your spouse by encouraging his or her self-esteem and focusing on positive thought patterns.  Be your spouse’s number one fan.  Cheer him or her on… with each passing day.  You need to encourage each other instead of finding ways to break each other down feeling bad about yourselves.  When the negative thoughts about your spouse sneak into your mindset, push them aside and think of something positive about him or her you love.  If it’s something needing to be discussed, find an appropriate time and calmly discuss it. But remember negative thought patterns will plant a seed and they will grow faster than you think. This has been proven through research by Ted Huston outlined in an article “Will Your Marriage Last” by Aviva Patz, Psychology Today where she also shares a quiz for newly married couples…In summation she finds… "The dominant approach has been to work with couples to resolve conflict, but it should focus on preserving the positive feelings. That's a very important take-home lesson." 

These are only ten things… obviously there are more.  But I think this helps to ‘summarize’ what I would tell a couple in their first five years together even though I am indeed long-winded when it comes to relationships. 

While still finishing this draft… I put a call out there in twitterville and on facebook with the same question… here are some replies I received:

@OCMomActivities: to never forget to have a few minutes of fun together, easy to let slip. Always be sure the partner is your immediate first call for problems.  @OcMOMActivites just celebrated ten years of marriage, married at the young age of 20 and was a child of divorce.

Whitney from Facebook shared what her mother in law wrote in their anniversary card this past June: "The chemistry must be there, but the rest is tolerance and resolve."  Brilliant advice.

What are some other tips you would share with newly married couples? 

Please check out the other posts in this series of things I wish I had known when I got married:

List for Newlyweds, Part 1

List for Newlyweds, Part 2

List for Newlyweds, Part 3

List for Newlyweds, Part 4

Find yourself… keeping it real.

Technorati Tags: relationships,marriage,dating,newlyweds,communication

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List for Newlyweds, Part 3 of 5

Well the list continues from my previous posts on what I wish I had been told before I got married.  I hope you are gleaning from these tips.  Please feel free to comment and add your own, or provide feedback about these ideas.  I would love to hear from you!

5.  BECOME PLAYMATES: 

(Remember the blog post about Boys and their Toys?)  A book was written about this very idea titled, Boys and Their Toys: Understanding Men by Understanding Their Relationship with Gadgets by Bill Adler.  It is intended to help women understand men by understanding their need for toys and gadgets. 

I have skimmed this book, but plan to read it because it has some great parallels that can open your eyes to understanding personality traits of your man based on what ‘toys’ or gadgets intrigue him and why.  Since they need this outlet of “playtime,”  playing with your guy can nurture your relationship. 

Try taking time out and getting involved with your guy’s favorite toys.  Does he like to play video games, for example?  Take some time to play the games with him – then he may be more responsive to compromise by giving you some time to communicate with each other.

6.  KEEP YOUR IDENTITY: 

Even though you are a couple you should continually work on becoming a whole person.  It’s true you aren’t single anymore – but you need to keep your identity and continue the process of becoming the person you want to be with. 

Don’t say “I have arrived: I am in a relationship so I don’t need to work on knowing who I am as a person anymore,” nor  fall into thinking “I have this issue, but my spouse offsets it – he or she completes me.” You should continue to improve upon the person you have become. Continue learning about who you are.

We all have stuff to deal with – owning it (acknowledging it exists) and working through it are still our jobs as individuals.  Besides, if you don’t keep your own personal identity in tact – you may be prone to extreme co-dependency which can cause problems for your marriage. 

Don’t take that to mean I am advocating self-centeredness or selfish acts.  Quite contrary to that notion, I am simply warning you against becoming so dependent upon your spouse that you cannot even go shopping or to do an outing by yourself because your self-worth relies upon that spouse, outside of your control. 

In my own experience I was in a marriage with a man who had become not only possessive of me but also obsessed with me.  He would not let me go anywhere by myself or have activities with friends on my own; in turn, I became less and less confident that I could do anything alone or have friends.  It was a vicious cycle and it took effort to break that cycle in order to be released from it’s grasp.

Please check out the other posts in this series of things I wish I had known when I got married:

List for Newlyweds, Part 1

List for Newlyweds, Part 2

Find yourself… keeping it real.

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Technorati Tags: relationships,marriage,newlyweds,dating,single moms dating,identity,playmates,boys and their toys

List for Newlywed Marriages, Part 4 of 5

7.  MAINTAIN A SUPPORT SYSTEM: 

Keep your support system intact, instead of withdrawing from family and friends.  I’ll never forget the falsehood I was told when I was about to get married, “Now you will have to give up your friends.” I believed that back then, but realize now – what a mistake!  You  need to retain your support system of close friends and family.  Getting married doesn’t remove your need for others in your life: People to talk to, share your ideas with, or from whom to ask advice.  These people earned that position in your life for a reason.  Why would anyone think you have to give up that support system, just because you get married?  This idea is reiterated and expanded upon in the book, Solemate: Master the Art of Aloneness and Transform Your Life by Lauren Mackler.  Even though her emphasis is referencing establishing this support system while you are still alone and single, that support system continues to be important when you are in a relationship.  

8.  COUNSELING FOR ALL COUPLES: 

Counseling for couples is a good thing and doesn’t mean you are a doomed couple; instead it means you are a smart couple trying to maintain a healthy perspective of each other’s needs by having an insightful mediator.  Participating in a newly developed healthy relationship I realize, no matter how much you have in common, no matter how well you get along, there’s still going to be ‘stuff’ that needs to be hashed out.  Having a mediator there to guide the conversation and keep you on a productive efficient track is a helpful and healthy way of addressing the tough issues.  Since I just started back to counseling, I will be sharing more on this idea in the near future.

Please check out the other posts in this series of things I wish I had known when I got married:

List for Newlyweds, Part 1

List for Newlyweds, Part 2

List for Newlyweds, Part 3

Find yourself… keeping it real.

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Technorati Tags: relationships,marriage,newlyweds,counseling,support team,networking,friendships,conversations

List for Newlyweds, Part 1 of 5

I was asked to prepare a list of what I would tell young married couples during the first five years of their marriage – that I wish I had been told back then.  I know what you are thinking… “but you aren’t married anymore.”  EXACTLY!  And four plus years after a divorce from a marriage that lasted about 12 years has taught me a great deal.  I have learned some things at this stage of life that I wish I had known back when I got married.  Because I am long winded, I  have decided to break up the list of ten things into separate blog posts… to keep from wearing you out.  Today is the first two of my top ten:

1.  FORGET THE FAIRYTALE: 

High Expectations? …drop them.  There is no fairytale romantic happily-ever-after in any relationship.  If someone tells you they have the fairytale, they are lying!  Plus high expectations can be very stressful for your partner if he or she realizes your expectations are unreachable.  Who needs that kind of pressure?

2.  SOUL MATE - NO SUCH THING : 

There is no such thing as a soul mate.  Your mate will never be perfect, no matter who you choose or whom you chose.   God gives us the wisdom and ability through life experiences and learning about WHO WE ARE to make a good life partner choice. 

Maybe you had more than one option before you made this decision, and don’t fret that you might not have PICKed the RIGHT one.  Sadly there is no magic Mr. Right out there for you to stumble upon, and that chemistry you felt when you first met… will disappear.  Anticipate the chemistry dissipating because the newness and novelty of this wonderful guy (or girl) will wear off. 

So if it’s chemistry you feel (or that you are looking for) – you are in limerence – not in love.  Your foundation for your marriage should be based on more of a foundation of common goals, beliefs, and traits – not that chemistry or limerence you felt early on. 

You should start building that foundation now if you married based on chemistry alone and thinking this must be Mr. Right.  Because, and I quote here from the article: Governors, Quarterbacks, and Soul Mates by Joe Beam, President of Love Path International, “There is not one passage in the Bible that teaches that God has the perfect person for us out there somewhere. And there is no passage that tells us how to know if we actually encountered that person if such a person exists. Should we base it on how we feel? …that won’t work either. Why? Limerence fades away. Always.”  You simply need something more than that euphoric feeling to build your future – your stable future – upon.

I wrote these first two ideas from experience, basically; my own and from watching other couples’ relationships.  So I am not simply sharing my point of view as jaded, cynical ideas.  I also found the article referenced intriguing and it hit my point, nailed it in fact; plus it gave me a great new term to reference the idea (limerence).   Can you say limerence?

When I found myself facing divorce, I was thankful to realize I wasn’t walking away from the one perfect guy God intended for me to be with.  I don’t take the big D lightly; you know my story.  Divorce isn’t the blissful choice you make to get away from someone out of convenience; but when your mate’s choices dictate the only obvious route to take… it’s nice to know that he (or she) wasn’t the ‘one and only’ perfect mate chosen by God. Maybe that doesn’t make sense when you read it… but think about it. 

How do you feel about the advice I listed so far …for young newlyweds? 

Do you believe in Soul Mates?

How would you recommend couples develop a better foundation if they married their partner based on chemistry alone?

Share your comments below.

Find yourself… keeping it real.

PHOTO CREDIT: http://www.heritagecarriages.com.au/Horses/Photos/Buddy/Wedding1.JPG

Technorati Tags: divorced,marriage,couples,relationships,soul mates,romance,fairytale

List for Newlyweds, Part 2 of 5

Remember, recently I was asked to prepare a list of what I would tell young married couples still in the first five years of their marriage – that I wish I had been told back then. 

I started this list in Part 1 of this blogpost series and here are the next two on my Top Ten list.

3. DREAM TOGETHER: 

Develop some shared goals – short term and long term to work on together. 

Remember when you are making this list to expand on it so the items are more than just concrete goals of buying a house or setting a date for starting a family… Develop a larger dream together as a common dream you can share and work toward with each other… like some day we want to travel the world or start our own business. Dream big!  What’s your shared dream?

4. CELEBRATE and DATE: 

Besides the big dreams, take time out to celebrate the small stuff. 

Enjoy your life together each day as a couple… instead of constantly looking forward to the next big deal in life (buying a house or having a baby), celebrate the day to day successes and joy in your relationship, even if that joy seems to be slipping from view. 

Plan nights out – just the two of you – regularly… at least once a month.  Paying attention and highlighting the little things that are going right in your relationship and life together will help divert your attention from always focusing on the negative.  There will be negative stuff, it’s part of life.  But focusing on it can just breed more bad thoughts and bitter feelings.  Be positive (facing reality too which is necessary, yes); but find the positive and choose to think of that glass as half full.

I will be sharing more of my top ten list next week.  Take a moment and leave a comment of your thoughts on dreaming and celebrating those little moments.

Please check out the first post in this series:

List for Newlyweds, Part 1

Find yourself… keeping it real.

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Technorati Tags: celebrate,love,date,dream,lifelong goals,sharing dreams

The Secret to Love that Lasts

Well if you haven’t been keeping up, February is relationships month on SOLO dot MOM. With Valentine’s Day around the corner and the official one year anniversary for me and Mr. M., what better time to talk about relationships.

I can talk about relationships all day and they don’t have to be romantic; all relationships in our lives are important and worth evaluating to make them better.  With this thought in the back of my mind, I recently read a blogpost, “The Key to Lasting Love May Surprise You,” by my fave author, Donald Miller.  He references an article found in Scientific American Mind magazine, titled: Fall in Love and Stay That Way, by Robert Epstein. 

There were several exercises outlined in the original article that the author also uses in the classroom as they study increasing bonds in relationships.  They range from “Soul Gazing” (staring into the eyes of your partner) to “Let Me Inside” (closing in on each other’s space intentionally getting as close as you can without touching) or “Secret Swap” (sharing a deep secret).  Through research he has determined these to be effective “Love Building Exercises” increasing positive affection toward the other person (even when they were strangers). Several exercises make up his full list. 

I enjoyed Miller’s post and  after reading the mentioned article in full I could appreciate his summarizing positivity as a key factor.  He also mentions another article, The Happy Couple by Suzann Pileggi which highlights the fact that “thriving couples accentuate the positive” in life as a couple. Recently I shared about being a cheerleader for your spouse in my tips for newlyweds.  It’s nothing new for me to agree with this idea.

So is this the secret key to long lasting happy marriages?  Keeping a positive attitude and approaching your significant other with the idea that the glass is half full not half empty will be encouraging, uplifting, and should be reciprocated… well most of the time.  So that’s promising.

Michele Dortch shares in her latest blogpost some other keys that I think are also important and tie in with with this idea.  She reviews the book, titled: The Language of Love & Respect: Cracking the Communication Code with Your Mate by: Dr. Emerson Eggrichs.  The communication ‘codes’ simplified are: for the ladies to communicate respect to their spouse and for the men to communicate love.  How profound.

Perhaps there is more than one key to happy long lasting relationships.  Communication and commitment also rank pretty high.  But trying them out and keeping them in the forefront of our minds are more important than just knowing what they are.  Practice makes perfect.  So I plan to practice these keys.  I know I have tried to be a positive person for many years, but I also know there are times I can speak with a lack of respect to someone (especially those closest to me).  Even if it’s subtle disrespect, it still is… disrespect.  I’m just being transparent.

This is where I want to focus on my relationship skills: communicating with respect consistently. And this goes for all relationships in my life: with my children, Mr. M., family members, and friends.  Now that doesn’t mean I’m not going to try out those other “love building exercises” I read about.  “Soul Gazing” sounds interesting, for example as well as “Let Me Inside”.  But respect will be primary.

February is not only going to be relationship focus month, but also having fun in your relationships month!  Well… you know what I mean.

Leave a comment below with what you consider to be a key to happy long lasting relationships.

Find yourself… keeping it real

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Technorati Tags: communication,relationships,personal development,respect,Scientific American Mind,Donald Miller,IntegratedMother.com,positivity,positive attitude,happy successful relationships