Lately I have had some sleepless nights.... and you know me, I love my sleep. But as my new relationship continues there have been things that I started thinking about "more" than I should. No he is not cheating on me, nor am I being wooed by someone else; I just started "thinking" about everything too much. We are pretty similar in the way we handle our personal finances, for the most part at least. But sometimes - little things that he would do that I didn't agree with... played on my mind and was in danger of becoming an issue... for me.
After analyzing this and finally just sitting down and discussing it with Mr. M., I realized: in the grand scheme of things I was making a mountain out of a molehill and... attempting to keep score.
Sad that I have to admit I was trying to keep score; but looking back that is what I was doing. And that's not love. Keeping score and making sure you are getting just as much as you are giving in a relationship.... is not love... it's a business transaction.
Perhaps working in administration all of my adult life and now having been single for over 5 years, has made me programmed to handle every part of my life as a "transaction" instead of as a loving, giving relationship. This is a relationship that I have said for some time, I was ready for and wanted to try having again. So I need to work on that.
Slow to Speak
How grateful I am that I allowed myself time to let God speak to my heart and do some mental processing to work through my frustrations and my concerns before confronting all of my thoughts with Mr. M. Then when I had worked through it and was ready, I talked with him.... and you would be proud. It was a very calm, considerate, and soft "this is what I am thinking, and where I am concerned..." kind of talk. He sat and listened... and didn't react. Or I should say he didn't "overreact" as I have been so accustomed to in past relationships. He just let me share my heart and then just as softly, just as calmly addressed those concerns. It was more in the short-term than in the long-term; but I commend him for the way this conversation... the first of its type for us... played out.
That night and that conversation was significant to me.... and made me know even more... this is serious... and I enjoy being in a relationship with Mr. M. Time will tell where we are headed. But for now... I am happy taking this journey of dating... with him one day at a time.
Find yourself... keeping it real.