When It’s Hard to Talk About…

What do you do?

What do you do when you have to tell your significant other something that is difficult?  Difficult for you to say and difficult for them to hear. 

Do you hide behind the computer screen, sending them an email or an instant message hoping for the best?

Do you ask for a few moments of privacy and share it in person?

How do they react when you finally say it?

How do you react to their reaction?

Sometimes there will be difficult issues that come up and have to be discussed in relationships – hard things that would be easy to just ignore or pretend didn’t exist.  But to keep the relationship healthy you have to confront these “issues,” talk about the tough stuff, and get it out there in the open. 

Early in relationships – or even months and months in – this can be difficult to confront.  You are unsure how the other person will react or if they will just withdraw and shut you out.  But you still have to deal with these kinds of things.  You need to know how the other person will handle the bumps in the road anyway (if there is to be any future in this relationship), so go ahead, share it, get it over with.

I did.

It’s a process sometimes when working through things that are difficult to talk about.  Sometimes that process takes time and more than one conversation.

Just remember talking can be gentle – it doesn’t have to be scary.

What do you do when you have to talk about the ‘tough stuff’?

Find yourself… keeping it real.

photo credit: photoXpress.com/Pavel Losevsky

Technorati Tags: relationships,communication,conversations,single moms,personal development,reactions,difficult issues

Abandon Ship or Toss Him Overboard!?

GE3F6BSE4UUD  (Technorati Claim Token)

Jump Overboard

How many times have you wanted to jump ship?  Have you ever said – “That’s it! Enough is enough!”?

No I don’t mean on your relationship with your significant other (even though that relationship is what I have been focusing on this month); I mean with your kiddos!

The Boiling Point

Many times I have found myself at that pressure point: boiling; as they have gotten on my last nerve when it comes to reminding, reprimanding, and refereeing a set of siblings.  Just yesterday I wanted to either strangle my teenager, toss him overboard, or drive off and not come back…. for a long time.

Now I would NEVER actually follow through on these crazy notions, mind you, but it’s no rarity that this happens while parenting, working fulltime and wearing all the other hats we do as parents… especially as a single parent.  So what is the answer?  How do we cope?

Life Wheel – Out the Window!

At that point when I found myself getting hotter and hotter and my voice was rising higher and higher I just wanted to take that life wheel of balance and chuck it out the window.  So keeping things in balance wasn’t helping in that moment.

Reflection

Of course, later that night when I reflected on the moment and my reaction, (my despairing and loud crazy woman kind of reaction) I was disappointed.  I regretted that I let the pressure get the best of me and push me past my “point.”  I prayed, “Change me, Lord.”  I want to react better to my kiddos when I’ve had it “up to here.”

It’s all about choices.

I don’t always make the best ones.

Good News

But the good news is, He still loves me.

And that’s the point.

My kids may disappoint me too – pushing me past my “point.” But I still love them  - and yes indeed, very much.  And realizing that God still loves me as well– even when I get bent out of shape at times… makes me feel better about my own “disappointing reactions.”

Find yourself… keeping it real.

Photo Credit: PhotoXpress.com/MAXFX

Technorati Tags: relationships,parenting,love,choices,disappointing oneself,God's love,stress,pressure,reactions,raised voice

Is Love Just a 4-Letter Word?

What is love?

Is love just a word or a connection over time?

I have shared secrets to making love last… lasting even a lifetime.  (If you haven’t read that post you might want to start there first.) But what is “love” really?

I watched Matrix Revolution again the other day, and this scene’s dialogue caught my attention:

---

Neo: I just have never...
Rama-Kandra: ...heard a program speak of love?
Neo: It's a... human emotion.
Rama-Kandra: No, it is a word. What matters is the connection the word implies. I see that you are in love. Can you tell me what you would give to hold on to that connection?
Neo: Anything.
Rama-Kandra: Then perhaps the reason you're here is not so different from the reason I'm here.

---

Is love as simple as a “connection”?  I think it is safe to say it is something that develops over time (unlike simple chemistry) and evolves into more than an emotion.  So is love still a connection?  It defines a connection between two people… but isn’t it more than that?  Isn’t it more than what a computer program could somehow appreciate? 

I have to say yes, it is more.  It is believing in someone and understanding their needs; placing their needs above your own.  As a Christian there is one “ultimate” example of true sacrificial love.  But what about our personal relationships?  Do we practice this type of love in our relationships?

What would you sacrifice for that love? 

I love my children.  They are the world to me and truly encompass the idea of genuine treasures.  I would do anything for them… sacrificing for them without giving it a second thought.  As mothers it is in our nature – our innate nature – to do this.  We give them seconds and thirds at the table if they are hungry even if it means doing without half of our first helping, if necessary.  (With a hungry growing teenage boy – I know what I am talking about.) 

Of course we should strive for this type of love when it comes to other relationships as well, right?  Are they considered to be a lower level of devotion than the love between moms and children?  You should feel (after time has allowed for the relationship to become serious, mind you) that you want to place the needs of your significant other above your own.  Isn’t that the natural evolution of a serious relationship?  It should be.

I personally feel that time is the key factor in these statements.  Your devotion and willingness to sacrifice is something that will grow over time for that other individual.  But I don’t think it happens immediately upon meeting them, or upon being attracted to them (chemistry).

So if our first question is, “What is the definition of love?”; the next question might be, “How much time does it take to develop that type of devotion and sacrifice for someone?” 

I also think It develops through intentionality as well.  You have to be interested enough in the early stages of the relationship to “choose” the path of evolving devotion toward that person.  Perhaps this is where the “chemistry” comes in.

1. So first comes some level of chemistry – attracting you to that individual. 
2. Next you make a decision based on logic whether this individual matches your list of “must haves” in a relationship. 
3. Third you choose a path of allowing that relationship to evolve (or not) into something more serious. 

Even though this is breaking down these stages of a developing relationship (love) into simple steps, we still have to keep in mind that the time involved in these steps varies for us as individuals.  But how long before we know – this is Love – and this is “the one to last a lifetime?”  One year? Three? Five?

After being in my relationship with Mr. M. for a year now, I asked myself this question. 

How much time do you think it takes for a lasting LOVE to evolve?

Share your thoughts in comments below.

Find yourself…keeping it real.

Photo Credit: Stockvault.net/juavenita

Technorati Tags: relationships,love,devotion,single,single mom,chemistry,sacrifice

My Children Survived; Yours Will Too

Last year I was asked to write an article for www.Little-Red-Bus.com.  It’s a site focusing on parenting and children (another great resource).  I was again thrilled at the invitation.  We worked through some details and I decided to do an article on children surviving divorce, more specifically my children surviving our divorce. 

I won’t post the whole article here at length but it does contain some tips that I found through personal experience that seemed to help my kids through the rough road we had ahead of us at the time.  (I hope you will jump over there to the link of my personal article live on their site and check it out.)

Now all these years later, I can look back and say:  at least some of the things I tried to do worked - for my kiddos anyway.  They are both doing well in school, have active social lives, are physically fit, and have hearty appetites… so overall I am quite proud of them for enduring the road of divorce and still being well-rounded individuals.

What are some tips you would offer to parents going through divorce?

Share your comments below.

Find yourself… keeping it real.

Another Reason to Dis Valentine’s Day

When I was single (hey even while I was married) I used to ‘dislike’ Valentine’s Day.  It’s so full of  anticipation and fairytale expectations, it’s easy to fall victim to it’s spell.  After the divorce it officially became my least favorite holiday of the year.  Back then I would take valentines to my mom and granny – showing them love as two favorite people in my life.  But I knew there had to be another reason for not liking Valentine’s Day. 

This year is the first time after the big “D” I have been in a “year long” relationship when coming up on the holiday.  So this year it was supposed to be different, right?

Nope.

This year I fell victim to it’s spell and thought it was supposed to be dreamy, romantic, and special.  (Hey, I’m not proud of it.)  I had sent a text message back in January asking about making plans with Mr. M.  I brought it up in person one other time.  As the weekend drew nigh, the snow changed the Forum Day at G.S. and it changed when the kiddos would be with me instead of their dad.  With all this chaos – Mr. M. figured we wouldn’t be able to do anything (with just the two of us). 

But instead of saying that…or asking about it.  The thought of the day was dropped.  I didn’t want to pester him, and he just assumed it was no big deal.  Back to the spell, though, I thought he would still try to make plans and that it would be as important to him to carve out one hour for us even if it was just in a public place to chat (with no kiddos) since that rarely ever happens.  (Starting to have deja vu? You would think I’d learn my lesson eventually.)

I thought this, and he thought something different.  Without communicating these ‘thoughts’ the whole day was shot – in the foot.  We started the day off with my disappointment being conveyed in frustration and complaints.  He didn’t know what to say.  I wish I could tell you that it wasn’t a big deal… I let it become one, once again.

Well I finally tried to salvage the day by going over with my kiddos to have dinner with him, his boys, his mom and step-dad.  With the whole crowd, it wasn’t what I was hoping for (that silly spell did a number on me); but I did get to see him and I got to give him the card I personally made for him and he gave me the sweetest bouquet of handmade flowers.

Maybe someday… I will get this relationship thing right.  Maybe.

Find yourself… keeping it real.

Photo credit: Stockvault.net/Creativity103

In Honor of My Oldest Child

Today is the BIG Project Forum at Jas’ Governor’s School.  Finally!  This day has been postponed twice because of recent snow storms.  But Jas definitely was favored with the crazy weather – because it gave him two additional weeks to complete the final details on his project.  This was because he stayed true to himself with being quite the procrastinator. 

The project looks great though and it is all setup at the facility and we are about to take him over for his interviews before the forum is open to the public.  Later awards are given out. 

In honor of his project day, I thought I would share one of Jas’ fave comedians, Brian Regan as he talks about a ‘typical’ science fair morning.  Well typical for us around our house… we love this:

Find yourself… keeping it real.

Technorati Tags: science fair,project forum,Governor's School,procrastination

Love in Action

Mr. M. and his youngest son making a snowman this past weekend during our second weekend in a row of snow storms.

When it Comes to Balancing Acts, Where’s Your Shortfall?

The wheel of balance in life.

My counselor shared this concept with me at a recent session.  The idea of the wheel is that in order to maintain balance in your life as an individual you should focus on four general areas: physical, spiritual, mental, and social.  When you think about it, everything you do fits into one of these four areas, from work to relationships.  These four areas act as the spokes on the wheel of life and if one spoke is too short (not being fulfilled in balance) then your wheel is “off kilter” and not truly keeping you ‘well-rounded’ and in balance. Interesting basic concept of personal development, I thought. 

So what does focusing on areas that are shorter than others in my life have to do with working on a relationship with someone like Mr. M?  Well throughout my blogging as a single mom, one thing I have tried to emphasize (though I didn’t always heed to it) is that before we can be ready for a serious relationship (or even dating) we need to become someone we would want to date by finding ourselves.  Even though you will never get it perfect, if there are large gaps in these “spokes” of life, then you are not ready to make that plunge into another relationship.  And if you are already in a relationship or married – you may still need to work on getting these areas in balance. So everyone will find this process of evaluating ourselves worthwhile as you take a long hard look beneath the surface and face our shortcomings, even though, admittedly it can be difficult.

During that session, my counselor and I discussed my “spokes” and what I was doing to fulfill each of them and then rated each from 1-10.  Remember you are looking for gaps – not for perfection.  What did we find that I needed to work on?  In my case I am lacking in my personal social life.  Being a girl scout leader didn’t even count, he said.  He wanted to see me interacting more with adults outside of work and church.  So he wants me to start having ‘girls nights’ with my friends.  I told him that could be a problem since most of my friends are guys.  (He said that will have to be a discussion for another day, ok Mr. M.?)  But in the meantime I am to plan some outings. 

Girls night at the movies is my choice.  This will not only take care of my homework for my own personal development, but also I get to see the chick flicks I enjoy that Mr. M doesn’t want to see.  I had planned the first one for a Saturday night with my best friend, TB, but the snow has messed up my plans because of other things that got postponed.  But we are going to reschedule, right, TB?

What area do you think you could work on in balancing your life’s wheel?

Find yourself… keeping it real.

Technorati Tags: personal development,life balance,wheel of life,dating,single moms,social life,counseling

Image Credit: Katherine S.

Single Moms, Dating, and Doritos

Here is my pick from last night’s commercials during the super bowl.  Of course us single moms have to stick together… and her son takes the cake; or at least the Doritos.  Enjoy.

What was your fave commercial last night?

Find yourself… keeping it real

Technorati Tags: super bowl,commercials,funny,single moms,dating,February 7,2010

Snow, It’s Not Over

Well it started in the wee hours of the morning Friday and the snow hasn’t stopped; but I took a few photos this time to share with you guys from our current snow storm.  Enjoy.

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The Secret to Love that Lasts

Well if you haven’t been keeping up, February is relationships month on SOLO dot MOM. With Valentine’s Day around the corner and the official one year anniversary for me and Mr. M., what better time to talk about relationships.

I can talk about relationships all day and they don’t have to be romantic; all relationships in our lives are important and worth evaluating to make them better.  With this thought in the back of my mind, I recently read a blogpost, “The Key to Lasting Love May Surprise You,” by my fave author, Donald Miller.  He references an article found in Scientific American Mind magazine, titled: Fall in Love and Stay That Way, by Robert Epstein. 

There were several exercises outlined in the original article that the author also uses in the classroom as they study increasing bonds in relationships.  They range from “Soul Gazing” (staring into the eyes of your partner) to “Let Me Inside” (closing in on each other’s space intentionally getting as close as you can without touching) or “Secret Swap” (sharing a deep secret).  Through research he has determined these to be effective “Love Building Exercises” increasing positive affection toward the other person (even when they were strangers). Several exercises make up his full list. 

I enjoyed Miller’s post and  after reading the mentioned article in full I could appreciate his summarizing positivity as a key factor.  He also mentions another article, The Happy Couple by Suzann Pileggi which highlights the fact that “thriving couples accentuate the positive” in life as a couple. Recently I shared about being a cheerleader for your spouse in my tips for newlyweds.  It’s nothing new for me to agree with this idea.

So is this the secret key to long lasting happy marriages?  Keeping a positive attitude and approaching your significant other with the idea that the glass is half full not half empty will be encouraging, uplifting, and should be reciprocated… well most of the time.  So that’s promising.

Michele Dortch shares in her latest blogpost some other keys that I think are also important and tie in with with this idea.  She reviews the book, titled: The Language of Love & Respect: Cracking the Communication Code with Your Mate by: Dr. Emerson Eggrichs.  The communication ‘codes’ simplified are: for the ladies to communicate respect to their spouse and for the men to communicate love.  How profound.

Perhaps there is more than one key to happy long lasting relationships.  Communication and commitment also rank pretty high.  But trying them out and keeping them in the forefront of our minds are more important than just knowing what they are.  Practice makes perfect.  So I plan to practice these keys.  I know I have tried to be a positive person for many years, but I also know there are times I can speak with a lack of respect to someone (especially those closest to me).  Even if it’s subtle disrespect, it still is… disrespect.  I’m just being transparent.

This is where I want to focus on my relationship skills: communicating with respect consistently. And this goes for all relationships in my life: with my children, Mr. M., family members, and friends.  Now that doesn’t mean I’m not going to try out those other “love building exercises” I read about.  “Soul Gazing” sounds interesting, for example as well as “Let Me Inside”.  But respect will be primary.

February is not only going to be relationship focus month, but also having fun in your relationships month!  Well… you know what I mean.

Leave a comment below with what you consider to be a key to happy long lasting relationships.

Find yourself… keeping it real

Photo Credit: PhotoXpress.com/dip

Technorati Tags: communication,relationships,personal development,respect,Scientific American Mind,Donald Miller,IntegratedMother.com,positivity,positive attitude,happy successful relationships

As the Planet Slowly Turns

As the planet slowly turns today, we await what is said to be another large snow storm – heading our way. Again.  I am constantly checking the weather channel these last few weeks, which are turning now into months of ‘bad weather’.  I am turning into a weather maniac – instead of weather watching guru.

Please, don’t get me wrong; I love a good snow.  Remember… I enjoyed it back in December and even liked getting another excuse to stay in a week ago when we got snow.  But when a day stuck indoors turned into 3, the kids were out of school more days than I wanted to count, and they called for it again this weekend… I wanted to say “Enough!” 

We must embrace it I guess… as we ‘brace ourselves’ for another winter storm.

By the way. I haven’t forgotten this is February.  I do have an article on relationships in the works.  Hopefully I will have that one posted tomorrow.  So definitely stay tuned for it.  I would love your comments and feedback on that one, seriously.

But in the meantime, grab some hot chocolate, a cozy blanket and get ready to curl up with a good book this weekend if you are anywhere around the eastern side of the continent.  Because that is just what I am going to do.

Find yourself… keeping it real.

Photo Credit: weather.com

Gutsy Gus and Staying on Track

It’s already February and my monthly missions are in full swing. 

January’s Mission

January I wanted to focus on finances, better spending habits, and possible ways to supplement my income.  I shared tips with my readers about making a simple budget; those posts, part 1 and part 2 were even highlighted on another blog resource. 

WWW.Elance.com 

I also joined a freelance website where you establish a profile and test your skills to add to your credibility.  Once you get setup with all their qualifiers, you can bid on jobs as a provider.  I hope to finish my profile soon and take a stab at this for some extra writing jobs. We shall see how that works out. The site is www.Elance.com.

Miracle in Sumatra

In the midst of my monthly missions I am also still reviewing books as they are sent to me free to read and share a review.  The latest is a children’s story. Miracle in Sumatra: The Story of Gutsy Gus by Jeanne McNaney.  This is a cute story about an orangutan and a little girl and their adventure when a hunter takes the orangutan's parents. An angel that looks over the jungle helps them by turning the little girl into an orangutan so she can assist her new little furry friend with the challenge of finding his parents.  The story and it's deeper meaning about taking care of animals and their well being is a good story to share with children and I would recommend it.  The artwork is excellent and will keep your child’s attention throughout the book.

About the Author (as quoted from the publisher):

Jeanne currently resides in Old Greenwich, Conn., with her husband and three young children. Her first children’s book, “The Legend of Honey Hollow” (Ovation Books, January 2009), introduces children to environmentalism... She has served on the board of Pathways, Inc., which provides housing for mentally ill adults. She currently sits on the board of governors for the We Are Family Foundation and is an active volunteer with the Old Greenwich School.

Vitals

Title: “Miracle in Sumatra: The Story of Gutsy Gus”
Author: Jeanne McNaney
Publisher:  Ovation Books
Publisher website: www.ovationbooks.net
Book website: www.joeypublishing.com
Category: Children’s picture book
Date of publication: October 2009
ISBN-13:  978-0-9814534-6-0

I have a few others I am currently reading and will share their reviews here soon. 

But now on to my next monthly mission.  For February the focus is… Do you remember?

More on February’s mission coming soon…

Find yourself… keeping it real.

Photo Credit:

Technorati Tags: Miracle in Sumatra,Jeanne McNaney,Elance.com,budgets,resolutions,missions,book review

Snow? Interesting

Yes we got snow this past weekend. Lots of snow.

Here is a video clip (one of them) I took while it was still snowing.  Let me give a disclaimer here, I am no videographer.. never claimed to be.  And yes Kass is using a broom to create a path till she could find the shovel.  She was so sweet to make a path for our dogs (since Jovi get’s lost in the 12 inches of snow that fell when she walks through it).:

 

Here’s the link if it doesn’t come through on your email:  http://s161.photobucket.com/albums/t237/kshinault_photo/?action=view&current=snow-Jan-302010-01-30002.flv

Find yourself… keeping it real.

Technorati Tags: snow,photography,snow photos,videos,parenting